The Good Behaviour Book - William & Martha Sears

One of the selection of 'hippie parenting books' that I'm currently reading in order to get the other side of the picture after reading Toddler Taming, this came across as a mostly-sensible guide to encouraging good behaviour without harsh punishments. I was interested by my own reaction to discovering that the authors have eight children - they mentioned this a couple of chapters in and I noticed that from that point on, I found it harder to take them seriously... even more intriguingly, this fact is presented as a positive (evidence of their experience) on the book's marketing blurb, indicating that other people (particularly Americans?) don't share my view on this! Another amusing Americanism is the inclusion of a lengthy discussion on whether there is biblical authority for smacking in their list of reasons not to hit your child ("In our opinion, nowhere in the Bible does it say you must smack your child to be a godly parent").

The authors define discipline as "what you do to encourage good behaviour" rather than emphasizing negative, punitive approaches, which seems like a good approach to me. They do discuss correction techniques, suggesting shaping a child's behaviour "through the use of praise, selective ignoring, and time-outs; through teaching an understanding of consequences; through the use of motivators, reminders, and negotiation; and through the removal of privileges". However, traditional 'punishments' tend to be given a positive spin: time out is used as 'thinking time' or 'quiet time' to help the child reflect and calm down, and surrounded by 'time in' where the child gets plenty of attention. The basic principles of discipline are listed as:

• Get connected early
• Know your child
• Help your child to respect authority
• Set limits, provide structure
• Expect obedience
• Model discipline
• Nurture your child's self-confidence
• Shape your child's behaviour
• Raise kids who care
• Talk and listen
  

The main emphasis of the book is on practising the "attachment parenting" style that the Searses advocate in order to build a sensitive, trusting relationship with a connected, secure child. In this way they claim that the need for corrective disciplining techniques later on will be significantly reduced. Their key instructions for attachment parenting are listed as: Respond to your baby's cries, Breastfeed your baby, Wear your baby, Play with your baby, Share sleep with your baby, and Become a facilitator (i.e. available and supportive but not controlling or smothering). I find the idea of sharing sleep a step too far, but (to some extent at least) I agree with and try to implement each of the other points on this list, and I do agree with their general emphasis on "parenting to sleep".

A few points that stood out for me as useful suggestions were: toddlers often behave better in an ordered environment (clearing clutter and keeping toys separated on shelves rather than muddled in boxes may help); give notice to allow gradual transitions (don't just pick up a child and leave, give them time to say goodbye to the toys etc, or incorporate slowing down and stopping into the game they are playing); involve the child in dealing with consequences (cleaning up mess, fixing broken toys etc); make eye contact, then use one simple sentence to make a positive point ("we walk indoors" rather than "don't run"), offer a motive ("get dressed so you can go outside and play") or give an alternative ("we don't touch that, but you can play with this"); write notes rather than nag older children & teens. A few of the points on ways of speaking make sense but don't come naturally to me: using the inclusive "we ..." rather than saying "no"; praising by acknowledging specifics rather than saying "good girl" or gushing over expected behaviour; and (depending on developmental level!) either breaking down tasks into small, specific, steps, or leaving space for the child to fill in the blanks or work out their own solution. I'm going to find it particularly challenging to implement their advice to foster healthy body image by using "correct" names for private parts...

I found it helpful - if worrying! - to get some warning that "the time between the ages of fourteen and eighteen months is very hard for mothers. The high-energy toddler wants to do everything, but he still needs mother involved 'big time'" - I'm hoping that the promise of being able to ease off at eighteen months helps me through this period...