Conventionally, discipline tends to be understood as a set of techniques for dealing with bad behaviour. In this book, bad behaviour is seen as arising from “mistaken goals”, i.e. misbehaving children are trying to meet a real need in an inappropriate way. The authors advise trying to look for and respond to a message behind misbehaviour, such as “Notice me - involve me usefully”, “Let me help - give me choices”, “I’m hurting - validate my feelings”, or “Don’t give up on me - show me a small step”. The “building blocks” of positive discipline, such as mutual respect, discipline that teaches, and focusing on solutions instead of punishment, all seem reasonable to me. These are followed up with suggestions of methods for implementing them, such as getting children involved, saying what you mean, and following through kindly and firmly, which mostly seem like common sense - although of the kind that’s often hard to remember in heated moments! The one recommendation that seemed less obvious to me is to “act, don’t talk”, which I have found very useful on occasion.
I found the basic principle of “kind and firm” parenting very persuasive. I have (theoretically at least!) been strongly influenced by the concept of long-term parenting – the idea of thinking about what characteristics you wish your children to have as adults, and trying to parent in a way that encourages those attributes, rather than focusing on solving short-term behaviour problems. A story about a circle of friends who took it in turns to care for the children while the other mothers had some time off also stuck in my mind, and I significantly altered my views on early academic education after reading here about a research project that confirmed the early advantages of academic preschools, but found that “by age five, the kids from the play-oriented preschools had caught up, while those attending academic preschools felt less positive about school.” The specific suggestions that I found most compelling on my initial read of this book (but could still benefit from doing more of myself!) were:
- Providing opportunities for children to develop skills, confidence, and a sense of initiative by doing things for themselves as much as possible, trying to be “more interested in helping children develop their full potential than getting chores done quickly” (or tidily!) and encouraging children to take on age-appropriate tasks such as dressing themselves and helping to prepare, serve, and clear away food;
- Positive time-outs - creating a space that children will find appealing and calming, and encouraging them to spend time cooling off there (alone or with a supportive adult) if they are “too upset to get along”, but not enforcing this or using it as a punishment;
- Stating clear expectations - e.g. discussing a forthcoming outing in detail, mentioning (even role-playing) expected behaviour and the consequences of breaking the rules, and following through on those consequences - the example that stuck in my mind was the child who was calmly taken to preschool in his pyjamas;
- Holding children responsible for their actions and giving them the opportunity to make amends, by involving them in cleaning or repairing tasks or finding ways to make someone they have upset feel better;
- Asking “curiosity questions” - allowing children opportunities to think things through by asking questions about what happened and the consequences (at a later, calmer, moment) rather than lecturing;
- Having brief family meetings at which family members can “offer compliments, help solve problems, plan family fun, and express their needs and get help” as well as simply enjoying each other’s company.
On a re-read 18 months later, a few other points also struck me as helpful. Reading as a mother of two, I was interested in a section on birth order that suggested countering a first child’s tendency to perfectionism by reducing expectations and pressure, modelling acceptance of imperfection (yours and theirs!), and limiting responsibilities, and also in the suggestion of planning “special time” alone with each child, treating it as a special event and giving them focused attention. Some suggestions on dealing with anger (which had become more relevant to our family in the intervening time!) also seemed useful, such as facilitating talking through feelings by asking yes-or-no questions, discussing physical feelings associated with anger that can act as cues to take a cooling off action, teaching slow breathing, and not trying to talk them out of their feelings. I also realised a couple of mistakes I’ve been making when reading a warning against “piggybacking” by adding criticism or nagging when following through with consequences or discussing problems, and a reminder of the particular importance of consistent non-verbal communication when dealing with very young children who are still developing their language skills. Having gone through a period of unpleasant battles with my daughter when I insisted that she drink more water, I also agreed with the advice on health maintenance that “when parents allow children to become involved and responsible (in age-appropriate ways, of course), they not only help ensure their child’s future health and well-being but also build self-confidence and a sense of capability”.
Although most of the advice in this book appears constructive and sensible, I did find myself questioning the level of open-mindedness of some of the parents in their examples - some of these appeared overly permissive (e.g. a mum who allowed her daughter to sleep in her shirt to improve the morning routine), while others seemed to be impractical to implement while fitting into the expectations of mainstream society (such as the example I mentioned earlier of sending a child to preschool in pyjamas). I was also irritated at times by the frequent references to other books by the same authors on similar themes (even a suggestion to buy this book or another in the series as a gift for a childcare provider!). On the whole, however, I found this to be a thought-provoking and encouraging resource.
Here are a few more detailed notes to jog my memory...
The “building blocks” of positive discipline are listed as:
- Mutual respect
- Understanding the belief behind behaviour
- Effective communication
- Understanding a child’s world
- Discipline that teaches
- Focusing on solutions instead of punishment
- Encouragement
- Children do better when they feel better
Methods for implementing positive discipline:
- Get children involved (in creating and following routines, through limited choices, with opportunities to help)
- Teach respect by being respectful
- Use your sense of humour
- Get into your child’s world
- Say what you mean, and then follow through with kindness and firmness
- Be patient
- Act, don’t talk - and supervise carefully
- Accept and appreciate your child’s uniqueness
Suggestions on dealing with anger:
- Invite them to draw a picture
- Facilitate talking through feelings by asking yes-or-no questions,
- Discuss physical feelings associated with anger that can act as cues to take a cooling off action,
- Look at a ‘feelings faces chart’,
- Encourage safe expressions (such as running, screaming into a pillow, playing with play-doh etc),
- Teach slow breathing,
- Use positive time-outs,
- Look at relevant books,
- Create an ‘anger wheel’ listing options they can choose from
- ... and don’t try to talk them out of their feelings!
Suggestions on dealing with violent or disrespectful behaviour:
- Decide what you will do (e.g. leave the room)
- Hold the child kindly and firmly (if you feel they may do damage)
- Share your feelings (model sharing your feelings and wishes)
- Use a positive time-out
- Ask curiosity questions
- Offer limited (respectful and acceptable) choices
- Discuss the problem at a family meeting
