Coming Home - Sue Gee

I found this book very unsettling. It is a family saga about a young couple with high hopes "coming home" to start a new life in England after Indian Independence, and contains plenty of sweet and funny period details, but I found the character of the mother very disturbing: her attempts to create an identity for herself by writing about her experiences are repeatedly unsuccessful, even leading her to a breakdown at one point.  I was also troubled by the description of the various ways that the children suffer because of well-intentioned or thoughtless actions (or in several cases, inaction!) by their parents. Perhaps I overreacted to these themes due to my current situation as a full-time mother who has just moved countries and is wondering to what extent choices we make for them now will have a long-term effect on our children's characters and happiness, but to me this book seemed essentially tragic. I was surprised to learn afterwards that the book is largely autobiographical, and seems to have been intended as a sort of affectionate tribute to her parents. I wonder whether, knowing that she was in part motivated by love and nostalgia, she worked hard to avoid writing something sentimental or saccharine, and perhaps went a little too far the other way.

Instructions for a Heatwave - Maggie O'Farrell

The heatwave of 1976 makes a good backdrop for this novel about three siblings brought together to help their mother search for their missing father.  It's a gripping read, full of well-observed characters and situations, which uses multiple overlapping scenarios to explore the impact of keeping secrets on relationships and families. I particularly liked the 'wild child' Aoife whose rebellion was forced upon her by a personal difficulty she was unable to acknowledge.

Are You Somebody? - Nuala O'Faolain

Although I'd never heard of Nuala O'Faolain before picking this memoir up in the library, the title intrigued me and the reviews were complimentary, so I borrowed it.  I found it utterly enthralling, as her combination of intelligence and naivety as a young woman was very likeable, and her writing seemed very honest and self-aware.  Her clearsighted descriptions of the situation of women in Irish society were especially captivating - and I was particularly struck by the incident she describes where a psychiatrist she visits when depressed admonishes her: "You are going to great trouble," he said, "and flying in the face of the facts of your life, to re-create your mother's life."

The Fifth Child - Doris Lessing

This horror story about a cuckoo in the nest did a good job of portraying the rapid and total unravelling of a 'perfect' family after the birth of an unexpected and unloveable fifth child. I particularly liked the description of the mother's inability to abandon her monstrous child even when it meant defying the rest of the family and sacrificing her chance at resuming a peaceful life with her older children. It covered similar ground to We Need to Talk About Kevin but was written more as a straightforward disaster narrative rather than exploring the nature vs nurture question. I was a little uncomfortable with the explicit labelling of the child (towards the end, by his mother) as a genetic "throwback" - this seemed unconvincing and to me detracted from the very real air of menace that was created when he was simply described without explanation.

All My Puny Sorrows - Miriam Toews

This deeply likeable book about a woman struggling to hold on to her suicidal sister is both a strangely enjoyable read and a powerful reflection on the nature of suffering, the inadequacies of psychiatric care, and the case for euthanasia. I was intrigued by the idea discussed in the book (in the context of Mennonite families whose ancestors had fled from persecution in Russia after the revolution) that "suffering... is something that is passed from one generation to the next, like flexibility or grace or dyslexia", but assumed that it was meant metaphorically. Shortly after reading the book, however, I came across this article on inherited trauma, which suggests a disturbingly literal interpretation. I was horrified to discover on reaching the end that the book was based on true events - I suspect it would have been a much more painful read if I had been aware of that at the start.

A Man Without a Country - Kurt Vonnegut

This "memoir of life in George W Bush's America" is, as you'd expect, quirky, angry, and funny, with the author sharing witty and perceptive opinions on socialism, art, politics, religion, relationships, the environment... His view of modern society is pretty bleak (psychopathic personalities are in charge, "we are all addicts of fossil fuels in a state of denial", and it's too late to do anything about it) but he includes a rather beautiful requiem for life on Earth, and urges us, despite this, to "please notice when you are happy", and reflect, as an elderly relative used to, "if this isn't nice, I don't know what is". The most memorable part for me was a brief section on the decline of extended families ("A husband, a wife and some kids is not a family. It's a terribly vulnerable survival unit.") His analysis that women want "a whole lot of people to talk to [...] about everything" and that most marital arguments can be interpreted as the couple saying to each other, "You are not enough people!" resonated with me during a period where, having just moved abroad, I was expecting my husband to fill the gaps left by my missing friends and listen to everything I wanted to talk about...

Breakfast on Pluto - Patrick McCabe

I was curious about this book as I had enjoyed the film, which I remembered as quite quirky and upbeat, but either I had misremembered the film, or the source material was a lot darker. The central character, a transvestite prostitute obsessed by the idea of his true mother, comes across as extremely fragile and delusional, and the political situation in Northern Ireland is more central to the story than I'd remembered, with the fate of the trio of friends seeming to portray possible outcomes of traumatic situations: one is killed, another (the main character) escapes into a fantasy world, and the third eventually moves forward to a healthier future. The writing is witty and tender, however, and the humanity of the characters prevents the often bleak subject matter from becoming depressing.

In One Person - John Irving

When I started reading this, it was a few weeks after I picked it up at the library, and I'd forgotten why I'd selected it and who it was by. A couple of pages in, I was startled by a sudden jolt of recognition on reading a sentence (a parenthetical sentence, with a key word italicized) that was so typical of John Irving, it was like unexpectedly bumping into an old friend. Thankfully, in this case the old friend hadn't changed too much, and we still got on very well. The book was packed with comfortingly familiar settings and themes, although the extremely frank and specific descriptions of the central character's sexual experiences and preferences were a little unsettling at times. I found the section of the book dealing with the AIDS epidemic to be particularly powerful, especially a sad anecdote about the panic caused when the central character has a nosebleed while training at the wrestling club where his sexuality had previously been grudgingly accepted. Unfortunately I felt that the ending fell a little flat (perhaps because the characters were eclipsed by the desire to deliver a message?) but overall I found this to be an enjoyable read.

Suite Française - Irène Némirovsky

This book provided a fascinating glimpse into life in France following the German occupation in 1940. The first part portrayed the chaos and desperation of the masses fleeing Paris following the initial reports of the German advance, and the second, which made more of an impression on me, described life in a small village as it returned to a sort of uneasy calm despite the presence of occupying German soldiers. A tentative romance between a French woman and a German officer was well described, as were the ongoing tensions between personal and political sensibilities, identities and loyalties. Unusually for me, I actually found myself shouting at some minor characters in the book at one point when I felt that they were being particularly thoughtless and naive... Perhaps the most compelling part of the book were the two appendices, one containing the author's notes on her plans for this series of novels, and the other consisting of a set of deeply sad correspondence showing her difficulties in surviving under the increasing restrictions placed on Jews in occupied France, and her husband's desperate attempts to obtain news of her after her arrest (which, heartbreakingly, continued after we now know that she had died at Auschwitz).

We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves - Karen Joy Fowler

I absolutely ADORED this book, and was relieved to find that my prior knowledge of it from reading several detailed reviews did not spoil it for me at all. I think that this was because, in addition to being brilliantly written, it took a subject that already fascinated me and explored it from a new perspective, subverting my expectations around issues of perceived capabilities, direction of influence, and family relationships, and considering the long-term implications of an unusual situation through well-realised characters and compellingly ambivalent relationships. One particular memory of how the narrator's sister used to "press her face and body into my back, match me step for step when we walked, as if we were a single person" resonated with me as it is something my own children do a lot at the moment. I can also thank the author for introducing me to the "uncanny valley" effect, which I found highly intriguing.

The World Without Us - Alan Weisman

The idea behind this book is captivating - what would happen to the world if the human race suddenly disappeared? - and the author explores the question from many angles, visiting parts of the world that are relatively untouched by humanity (such as the amazing sounding forest wilderness of the Białowieża Puszca on the border of Poland and Belarus), and places such as a Cypriot coastal resort, or the Korean DMZ, where human withdrawal due to conflict allows a glimpse of the natural reclamation of previously-inhabited areas. I was particularly struck by the description of the effort that goes into keeping New York's subway tunnels clear of water, and their vulnerability - apparently it would take less than half an hour without pumping to make the tunnels impassible for trains. There was of course plenty of consideration given to the permanent environmental impacts our current way of life, and the most shocking to me was the description of the ubiquity and longevity of the tiny pellets used in plastic manufacture ("nurdles") in the oceans, and our casual use of "polyethylene beads" as exfoliants in beauty products. Overall, this book contained some fascinating and thought-provoking material, but sometimes lacked a clear structure and read more like a collection of related articles, some of which were a little dry (such as the detailed descriptions of the processes of construction, maintenance, and probable decay of structures such as the Panama Canal).

No Great Mischief - Alistair MacLeod

While visiting his alcoholic brother, a man starts to reminisce about his childhood as "gille beag ruadh", the "red haired boy" of a close-knit Cape Breton clan. His clear-sighted reflections on the past illuminate the shocking hardships and danger of isolated rural life as well as its consolations, while raising questions about the relationship between past and present, as he remembers his grandparents from the "quiet affluence" of his Ontario dental practice and home. Issues of loyalty and identity are also explored, as the family's responsibility for an unknown cousin precipitates a tragedy in the context of fierce rivalries between Gaelic and French speaking mine workers, while clan membership brings forth hospitality and kindness from strangers at several points in the narrative. The descriptions of companionable singing and music-making throughout the book were captivating.

Positive Discipline for Preschoolers - Jane Nelson, Cheryl Erwin, & Roslyn Ann Duffy

There is much to admire in this description of parenting through “teaching, guidance, and love”.  The philosophy of positive discipline (based on Alfred Adler’s belief that “human behaviour is motivated by a desire for belonging, significance, connection, and worth” and Rudolf Dreikurs’ emphasis on “the need for dignity and mutual respect in all relationships”) may all sound a bit too warm and fuzzy for some audiences, but there is also a strong emphasis on cultivating “the ability to be both kind and firm at the same time”.  I was particularly taken with the statement that “love is the easy part. The real issue is whether you can show your love in ways that nurture accountability and self-esteem”. The implication is that the main job of a parent is to “encourage your child to reach his full potential as a happy, contributing member of society”, by helping them attain “a sense of belonging and significance, perceptions of capability, personal power and autonomy, and social and life skills”.

Conventionally, discipline tends to be understood as a set of techniques for dealing with bad behaviour.  In this book, bad behaviour is seen as arising from “mistaken goals”, i.e. misbehaving children are trying to meet a real need in an inappropriate way.  The authors advise trying to look for and respond to a message behind misbehaviour, such as “Notice me - involve me usefully”, “Let me help - give me choices”, “I’m hurting - validate my feelings”, or “Don’t give up on me - show me a small step”.  The “building blocks” of positive discipline, such as mutual respect, discipline that teaches, and focusing on solutions instead of punishment, all seem reasonable to me.  These are followed up with suggestions of methods for implementing them, such as getting children involved, saying what you mean, and following through kindly and firmly, which mostly seem like common sense - although of the kind that’s often hard to remember in heated moments!  The one recommendation that seemed less obvious to me is to “act, don’t talk”, which I have found very useful on occasion.

I found the basic principle of “kind and firm” parenting very persuasive.  I have (theoretically at least!) been strongly influenced by the concept of long-term parenting – the idea of thinking about what characteristics you wish your children to have as adults, and trying to parent in a way that encourages those attributes, rather than focusing on solving short-term behaviour problems.  A story about a circle of friends who took it in turns to care for the children while the other mothers had some time off also stuck in my mind, and I significantly altered my views on early academic education after reading here about a research project that confirmed the early advantages of academic preschools, but found that “by age five, the kids from the play-oriented preschools had caught up, while those attending academic preschools felt less positive about school.”  The specific suggestions that I found most compelling on my initial read of this book (but could still benefit from doing more of myself!) were:

• Providing opportunities for children to develop skills, confidence, and a sense of initiative by doing things for themselves as much as possible, trying to be “more interested in helping children develop their full potential than getting chores done quickly” (or tidily!) and encouraging children to take on age-appropriate tasks such as dressing themselves and helping to prepare, serve, and clear away food;
• Positive time-outs - creating a space that children will find appealing and calming, and encouraging them to spend time cooling off there (alone or with a supportive adult) if they are “too upset to get along”, but not enforcing this or using it as a punishment;
• Stating clear expectations - e.g. discussing a forthcoming outing in detail, mentioning (even role-playing) expected behaviour and the consequences of breaking the rules, and following through on those consequences - the example that stuck in my mind was the child who was calmly taken to preschool in his pyjamas;
• Holding children responsible for their actions and giving them the opportunity to make amends, by involving them in cleaning or repairing tasks or finding ways to make someone they have upset feel better;
• Asking “curiosity questions” - allowing children opportunities to think things through by asking questions about what happened and the consequences (at a later, calmer, moment) rather than lecturing;
• Having brief family meetings at which family members can “offer compliments, help solve problems, plan family fun, and express their needs and get help” as well as simply enjoying each other’s company.

On a re-read 18 months later, a few other points also struck me as helpful.  Reading as a mother of two, I was interested in a section on birth order that suggested countering a first child’s tendency to perfectionism by reducing expectations and pressure, modelling acceptance of imperfection (yours and theirs!), and limiting responsibilities, and also in the suggestion of planning “special time” alone with each child, treating it as a special event and giving them focused attention.  Some suggestions on dealing with anger (which had become more relevant to our family in the intervening time!) also seemed useful, such as facilitating talking through feelings by asking yes-or-no questions, discussing physical feelings associated with anger that can act as cues to take a cooling off action, teaching slow breathing, and not trying to talk them out of their feelings.  I also realised a couple of mistakes I’ve been making when reading a warning against “piggybacking” by adding criticism or nagging when following through with consequences or discussing problems, and a reminder of the particular importance of consistent non-verbal communication when dealing with very young children who are still developing their language skills.  Having gone through a period of unpleasant battles with my daughter when I insisted that she drink more water, I also agreed with the advice on health maintenance that “when parents allow children to become involved and responsible (in age-appropriate ways, of course), they not only help ensure their child’s future health and well-being but also build self-confidence and a sense of capability”.

Although most of the advice in this book appears constructive and sensible, I did find myself questioning the level of open-mindedness of some of the parents in their examples - some of these appeared overly permissive (e.g. a mum who allowed her daughter to sleep in her shirt to improve the morning routine), while others seemed to be impractical to implement while fitting into the expectations of mainstream society (such as the example I mentioned earlier of sending a child to preschool in pyjamas).  I was also irritated at times by the frequent references to other books by the same authors on similar themes (even a suggestion to buy this book or another in the series as a gift for a childcare provider!).  On the whole, however, I found this to be a thought-provoking and encouraging resource.

Here are a few more detailed notes to jog my memory...

The “building blocks” of positive discipline are listed as:

• Mutual respect
• Understanding the belief behind behaviour
• Effective communication
• Understanding a child’s world
• Discipline that teaches
• Focusing on solutions instead of punishment
• Encouragement
• Children do better when they feel better

Methods for implementing positive discipline:

• Get children involved (in creating and following routines, through limited choices, with opportunities to help)
• Teach respect by being respectful
• Use your sense of humour
• Get into your child’s world
• Say what you mean, and then follow through with kindness and firmness
• Be patient
• Act, don’t talk - and supervise carefully
• Accept and appreciate your child’s uniqueness

Suggestions on dealing with anger:

• Invite them to draw a picture
• Facilitate talking through feelings by asking yes-or-no questions,
• Discuss physical feelings associated with anger that can act as cues to take a cooling off action,
• Look at a ‘feelings faces chart’,
• Encourage safe expressions (such as running, screaming into a pillow, playing with play-doh etc),
• Teach slow breathing,
• Use positive time-outs,
• Look at relevant books,
• Create an ‘anger wheel’ listing options they can choose from
• ... and don’t try to talk them out of their feelings!

Suggestions on dealing with violent or disrespectful behaviour:

• Decide what you will do (e.g. leave the room)
• Hold the child kindly and firmly (if you feel they may do damage)
• Share your feelings (model sharing your feelings and wishes)
• Use a positive time-out
• Ask curiosity questions
• Offer limited (respectful and acceptable) choices
• Discuss the problem at a family meeting