The Book of Dave - Will Self

This is a bizarre, dark and surreal novel whose plot switches between a post-apocalyptic society in which the demented ramblings of a London cab-driver have been adopted as the guiding principles for a new religion, and the disturbed life of the cabbie Dave himself. Despite the linguistic trickery of the "mokni" dialect (which is pretty funny in places) it is very readable and absorbing, but it left me somewhat confused as to what it was that I'd just read - for most of the book it is clear that the Book was a delusional mistake, and its use as the basis of a divisive and harsh social order is a tragedy, but occasionally there are flashes which appear genuinely prophetic. In particular, I found this observation from Dave very jarring, as it is such a disturbingly accurate description of the genetically engineered "moto" that appear in the future portions of the book:

"The child hadn't been a part of him at all - he was from another species, half human, half something else. He had been engineered only to be loved and then sacrificed, his corpse rendered down for whatever psychic balm it might provide."

The Good Behaviour Book - William & Martha Sears

One of the selection of 'hippie parenting books' that I'm currently reading in order to get the other side of the picture after reading Toddler Taming, this came across as a mostly-sensible guide to encouraging good behaviour without harsh punishments. I was interested by my own reaction to discovering that the authors have eight children - they mentioned this a couple of chapters in and I noticed that from that point on, I found it harder to take them seriously... even more intriguingly, this fact is presented as a positive (evidence of their experience) on the book's marketing blurb, indicating that other people (particularly Americans?) don't share my view on this! Another amusing Americanism is the inclusion of a lengthy discussion on whether there is biblical authority for smacking in their list of reasons not to hit your child ("In our opinion, nowhere in the Bible does it say you must smack your child to be a godly parent").

The authors define discipline as "what you do to encourage good behaviour" rather than emphasizing negative, punitive approaches, which seems like a good approach to me. They do discuss correction techniques, suggesting shaping a child's behaviour "through the use of praise, selective ignoring, and time-outs; through teaching an understanding of consequences; through the use of motivators, reminders, and negotiation; and through the removal of privileges". However, traditional 'punishments' tend to be given a positive spin: time out is used as 'thinking time' or 'quiet time' to help the child reflect and calm down, and surrounded by 'time in' where the child gets plenty of attention. The basic principles of discipline are listed as:

• Get connected early
• Know your child
• Help your child to respect authority
• Set limits, provide structure
• Expect obedience
• Model discipline
• Nurture your child's self-confidence
• Shape your child's behaviour
• Raise kids who care
• Talk and listen
  

The main emphasis of the book is on practising the "attachment parenting" style that the Searses advocate in order to build a sensitive, trusting relationship with a connected, secure child. In this way they claim that the need for corrective disciplining techniques later on will be significantly reduced. Their key instructions for attachment parenting are listed as: Respond to your baby's cries, Breastfeed your baby, Wear your baby, Play with your baby, Share sleep with your baby, and Become a facilitator (i.e. available and supportive but not controlling or smothering). I find the idea of sharing sleep a step too far, but (to some extent at least) I agree with and try to implement each of the other points on this list, and I do agree with their general emphasis on "parenting to sleep".

A few points that stood out for me as useful suggestions were: toddlers often behave better in an ordered environment (clearing clutter and keeping toys separated on shelves rather than muddled in boxes may help); give notice to allow gradual transitions (don't just pick up a child and leave, give them time to say goodbye to the toys etc, or incorporate slowing down and stopping into the game they are playing); involve the child in dealing with consequences (cleaning up mess, fixing broken toys etc); make eye contact, then use one simple sentence to make a positive point ("we walk indoors" rather than "don't run"), offer a motive ("get dressed so you can go outside and play") or give an alternative ("we don't touch that, but you can play with this"); write notes rather than nag older children & teens. A few of the points on ways of speaking make sense but don't come naturally to me: using the inclusive "we ..." rather than saying "no"; praising by acknowledging specifics rather than saying "good girl" or gushing over expected behaviour; and (depending on developmental level!) either breaking down tasks into small, specific, steps, or leaving space for the child to fill in the blanks or work out their own solution. I'm going to find it particularly challenging to implement their advice to foster healthy body image by using "correct" names for private parts...

I found it helpful - if worrying! - to get some warning that "the time between the ages of fourteen and eighteen months is very hard for mothers. The high-energy toddler wants to do everything, but he still needs mother involved 'big time'" - I'm hoping that the promise of being able to ease off at eighteen months helps me through this period...

The End of Mr. Y - Scarlett Thomas

After Our Tragic Universe made such an impression on me, I had to go back for more. In some ways this is very similar (an ideas-driven book with lots of intelligent dialogue and an interest in the relationship between narrative and reality) but the plot structure is very different: although the topic is loosely "thought experiments", this is a fast-paced thriller which is very far from 'storyless'. I wasn't entirely comfortable with the fact that I found this filed under science fiction in my local library, although on reflection I have to agree that some of its contents (time travel, mindreading, alternative universes) were very much at home there, even if the time travel was into the past and achieved via antiquarian bookshops and homeopathy rather than shiny futuristic machines. Once again, I found this very enjoyable and also challenging (it made me want to read up on some of the references - Heidegger, Derrida, Baudrillard, "Erewhon", "Zoonomia" etc - to get a bit more context for the ideas presented). I particularly liked the idea that if thought and matter are fundamentally the same ("because it is happening in a closed system, in which everything is made from matter"), then special types of thoughts - such as Einstein's relativity theories - could rewrite the structure of the universe. (The application of this idea to quantum physics - "No one had ever said what this tiny stuff should be doing ... So when they looked at it, they found it was doing whatever the fuck it liked" - made me laugh out loud.) Some of the passages where the heroine travels through time and space via others' minds provided opportunities for some powerful empathic writing, for example a section on the experiences of laboratory mice, and another on the private anxieties of teenage girls.

The Film Club - David Gilmour

A slight but interesting account of an unusual experiment - the author allowed his teenage son to drop out of school and continue living with him rent-free, on only two conditions: no drugs, and participation in the "film club" where father and son watched and discussed three films a week together. The concept is interesting - by working with the boy's interests the father managed to create opportunities to connect, and (either by luck or judgement) the son did end up going on to college. The book is also very readable and works as a family memoir, a reflection on parenting teens, and also a brief education on filmmaking... I enjoyed the dad's enthusiastic descriptions of scenes from films he loved, but also the son's casual dismissals, such as his observation that Breakfast at Tiffany's is "a peculiar movie ... It's about a pair of prostitutes. But the movie itself doesn't seem to know that. It seems to think it's about something sort of sweet and nutty."

The Seven Stages of Motherhood - Ann Pleshette Murphy

Subtitled "Making the most of your life as a mum", or more punchily in the original US version "Loving your life without losing your mind", this book focuses on the importance of focusing on the mother's development and needs, both for her own sake and to enable her to provide the best parenting she can. The experience of motherhood is described as being "as much about autonomy, independence, and self-actualization as it is about connectedness, dependence, and self-sacrifice. It's about taking risks and lashing ourselves to traditions, tolerating lightening-speed changes and mind-numbing boredom, juggling the practical along with the ineffable, and learning how to push through when life is so full of pain or bliss it hurts to breathe." There's also a healthy emphasis on the unrealistic expectations many women experience as they try to "do it all", believing - wrongly! - that if only they were a little more organised they could fulfil many roles perfectly without making any compromises.

I found the book interesting - there was plenty of good anecdotal material in it, and it did make me reflect on my own experiences so far - but (perhaps because I'm only just entering her third stage?) I didn't really absorb the differences between each of her 7 stages or understand what point she was trying to make by distinguishing between them. I agreed with the basic premise that motherhood involves massive identity changes, not just initially but on an ongoing basis, but as she says in her conclusion, "we revisit key issues ... at every stage of our development: how to balance work and family; when to coddle, when to let go; how to trust your gut; nurture your marriage; get a grip on your anxiety; set limits; tolerate intense feelings of love and anger."

The story that made most impact on me was a quote from a book called Nature's Thumbprint, which illustrates her basic point about the importance of examining your own attitudes and preconceptions as a mother. When a pair of identical twins were two and a half, their two adoptive mothers were asked about their eating habits - one complained that she was "at her wit's end" because the girl would only eat food with cinnamon on it, the other the other was delighted that her daughter would "eat anything" so long as she put cinnamon on it.

I was also particularly intrigued by the idea (taken from The Birth of a Mother) that towards the end of pregnancy, women's mental image of their baby tends to fade, to avoid disappointing comparisons between the real baby and the idealized imaginary one - and that the lack of an opportunity to do this adds to the difficulties faced by mothers whose babies are borm prematurely. I did experience this myself - at around 5 months I formed quite a strong image of a baby (which oddly, did turn out to match the one I eventually had!) but towards the end of the pregnancy, my husband and I both found it incredibly difficult to picture an actual baby at all.

Overall, I found this readable and reassuring but not in any way life-changing.