The Hare with Amber Eyes - Edmund de Waal

I bought this thinking it was fiction, but after a slow start it turned out to be something far more intriguing. Ostensibly a history of the author's family's ownership of a collection of netsuke (miniature Japanese sculptures), it covers a wide range of cultural and social history through the eyes of this wealthy cosmopolitan family of Jewish bankers, within the context of the author's thoughtful reflections on his own research and writing, and the impact that the project has on him. Early sections on art collecting in 19th century Paris were of limited interest to me, but the description of life for a prominent Jewish family in Nazi Vienna was compelling. I was impressed by de Waal's avoidance of sentimentality - after telling the quite amazing story of the netsuke's survival, hidden in a mattress by a loyal family servant, he describes this as an 'affront' in the light of the many people connected with the family who were not so lucky. One phrase stuck in my mind particularly clearly: writing of his grandmother's decision to burn her old correspondence and not speak of those times, he says, "Losing things can sometimes give you a space in which to live."

Simplicity Parenting - Kim John Payne

This is a book about "using the extraordinary power of less to raise calmer, happier, and more secure kids". Another ghostwritten one, this presents the ideas of a counsellor, inspired by the principles of Waldorf education, who asserts that by moving away from the current emphasis on "too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, and too fast", we can reduce our children's stress levels, providing increased calm and security, and align our family lives more closely with our original vision for them. He presents an action plan based around four levels of simplification: of the environment, rhythm, schedules, and filtering out the adult world.

As a tangible, 'doable', place to start, the environment is the first point addressed. The main recommendation is to remove the vast majority of the toys that have accumulated (halving, then halving again, and possibly even once more, although the later stages will be stored to build a 'toy library' for periodic swapping out), focusing on rejecting fixed, complex, technological toys and retaining open-ended ones that support creative, imaginative, purposeful play. (For more on this see the work of Simon Nicholson on 'loose parts'.) I have trouble accepting the application of the same principle to books, but I do wholeheartedly agree that my life would be simpler and more harmonious if my daughter's wardrobe contained only clothes that fit her and suited the current weather! The corrosive effects of advertising are also discussed, with credit given to Mary Pipher's book The Shelter of Each Other, making the point that marketing teaches us to be unhappy with what we have, creating "both a sense of entitlement, and a false reliance on purchases rather than people to satisfy and sustain us emotionally".

The next section focuses on using 'rhythm', i.e. consistency, predictability, and shared rituals, to build calm, security, and a sense of connection into family life. I'm not sure I'd go as far as adopting the idea of 'core meals' tied to each night of the week, but I did like some of his suggestions: a time each night to preview the next day; family meals where all are involved in the preparation and cleanup; a moment of silence before eating and an opportunity to share 'favourite things' about the day or each other; building in 'pressure valves' each day of calm, connected moments or absorbing activities; candlelight; predictable bedtimes etc. I particularly liked the idea of easing transitions by assigning a chore before leaving the house to break the flow of play before trying to get out of the door.

The discussion on schedules uses a farming analogy based on crop rotation to emphasize the importance of 'fallow periods' (leisure and rest; 'downtime') and replenishing 'cover crops' (creativity or deep play, opportunities to fully lose yourself in an activity) as well as the main 'crop' of the daily activities of school, classes, sports, chores and socialising, which can easily be 'overscheduled' in contemporary life. This includes a useful reminder to think ahead and plan to balance active and calm times (including 'Sabbath moments' of distraction-free quiet family time), and I was particularly interested in the idea of boredom as a 'gift', which can be "appreciated for how often it precedes inspiration". He even asserts that overscheduling can "create a reliance on outer stimulation, a culture of compulsion and instant gratification", sowing the seeds of addiction...

The final section, on filtering out the pressures and concerns of the adult world, has a twin focus - on adult media and information, and on parental overinvolvement. Earlier in the book, he quotes US journalist Ellen Goodman: "The central struggle of parenthood is to let our hopes for our children outweigh our fears", and here he focuses on trust, and repeats that "parents need to relax in order to convey ease to their children": "we need to live with confidence, to parent with a sense of strength and openness, and perhaps most of all, a sense of humour". Obviously one of the main focuses of this section is on 'screens', in particular TV - I can see the logic of removing the TV completely, but I am more comfortable with his lesser option of reducing its influence by setting limits on the quantity and content of its use, and taking occasional longer 'breaks' from it. I also liked the reminder that adults too can benefit from cutting down on our exposure to sensationalist and alarmist media. In discussing 'helicopter parenting' and 'hyperparenting' he suggests that such overinvolvement can be countered by an effort to 'talk less', removing references to adult topics or concerns, cutting down on running commentaries, and trying only to say what is 'true, kind, and necessary'. "In a noisy world, quiet attentiveness speaks louder than words, and it gives a child more space for their own thoughts and feelings to develop." I was surprised and intrigued by his advice on avoiding too much analysis of feelings with younger children - "when we push a young child toward an awareness they don't yet have, we transpose our own emotions, and our own voice, on theirs".

Overall I found this to be a positive and encouraging book, putting into words some of the vague feelings I'd been having recently about wanting to provide a calmer, clearer space for our family with more room for creativity and self-expression, and suggesting practical steps to make that happen. I liked the final idea to help parents appreciate the ordinary, everyday, miraculous present lives of their children: "before falling into sleep, remember the ordinary moments of the day, the moments with your children that meant something to you".