Parenting Without Power Struggles - Susan Stiffelman

Much of this gentle and positive book about "cool, calm and connected" parenting covers ideas I've heard many times before, but I found the way it was presented clear and memorable, especially the image of the parent as "Captain of the ship", exuding quiet authority and giving children the reassuring sense that we are "steady and calm - regardless of their moods or behavior".  I also found the discussion of being "in charge" interesting, especially the reminder that endless debates and negotiations are a sign that the parent is not "firmly rooted in your authority as the Captain of the ship", and that when a parent is desperately resorting to bribes and threats, it is a sign that power ("to make or break your serenity") has passed to the child.  The section on challenging our beliefs about the way that our children should behave, based on the idea that it is the stories we tell ourselves that cause us distress rather than actual events, is also very helpful.  It contains practical suggestions (using Byron Katie's four questions to probe the truth and impacts of our beliefs and even explore their opposites) on how to reassess the meanings we give to our children's behaviour.  The chapter that I picked up most new ideas from was probably that on attachment, based on Gordon Neufeld's "six stages of attachment" (proximity, sameness, belonging/loyalty, significance, love & being known), which I hadn't come across before.  These can be used to generate ideas on how to connect and maintain closeness with our children, such as demonstrating that we take pleasure in their company, focusing on things that we have in common, finding opportunities to show that we are on their side, and letting them know that we perceive them as special and important.  I liked the advice - which I know but often forget in the moment - on the futility of trying to advise or lecture in heated moments ("a child cannot process what you're saying when he's upset"), and the importance of responding to the feelings beneath children's words rather than getting caught up in debating the (often misleading) content of what they are saying.  I was intrigued by the assertion that "one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to help them find their tears and feel their sadness fully when they're frustrated" - this goes against my usual instincts to try to cheer up a distressed child, but I can see the logic in the idea that fully experiencing the emotion may be the most direct route to accepting and adapting to the situation - as is so powerfully expressed in the movie Inside Out.  The other section of the book which I found most persuasive was the description of the importance of allowing time to hear a child's feelings in a problematic situation before attempting to offer advice or suggestions - Stiffelman describes these stages as "Act I" (asking "what's it like to be you?", and giving the child a chance to feel heard and understood), and "Act II", when the parent can offer their guidance to the (hopefully by now more receptive) child.  The later chapters of the book felt less compelling to me (they were less relevant to my family's situation, and seemed to provide less detailed practical advice), but overall this was a book that I found encouraging and helpful, if not particularly original.