I'd heard a couple of people recommend this book, so when I was offered a free copy I picked it up. The book is written in a very down-to-earth, easy to follow style with some corny humour thrown in. Its common-sense approach comes across as a bit anti-intellectual in places which I found a bit offputting. The one I read was the 1992 edition, and I'm curious to know how much it has changed since, in particular whether some of the smacking-related advice I found objectionable has been toned down in the most recent version...
Some of Dr Green's core messages are very easy to agree with, such as his list of key points that children need to be happy & secure: love, consistency, a tension-free environment, a good example, reasonable expectations (i.e. most of the problems people complain about are very common among toddlers), fun and enjoyment, & confident parenting. He sensibly advocates trying to see life from a toddler's point of view, saying that their difficult behaviour tends to be caused by attention seeking, jealousy and competition, frustration (as their bodies cannot keep up with their brains), fear of separation, reaction to illness, tiredness or emotional upset, unreal parental expectations (toddlers don't have much sense yet and don't share adult values, and this needs to be understood and accepted until they are more mature), or parents bringing on trouble by dramatising an unimportant incident.
His description of "what really matters" when it comes to discipline is also pretty persuasive: love, consistency, staying calm and in control, communicating convincingly (stating what will happen rather than offering maybes and wiggle-room), avoiding trouble, boosting the best & underplaying undesirable behaviour, using common sense and cunning (e.g. offering a diversion rather than picking a fight), having sensible expectations, using safety valves (time apart or outside), remembering to be committed to providing a positive environment, & keeping a sense of humour. However, we part company a little when it comes to some of the details of how this should be implemented. Much of what he says on smacking is actually pretty sensible, and I can see that there might be value in a physical deterrent in extremely dangerous situations, but it made me feel uncomfortable that he includes smacking in his lists of steps for managing several difficult behaviours, even advocating a "light, symbolic smack" for a child who repeatedly comes to the parents' bed in the night... A lot of the more general discipline section is devoted to the "Time Out" technique, which I can't really comment on as I haven't tried using it - I'd hope to only have to attempt something like this as a last resort though. His approach to tantrums can be briefly summarised as: stay calm, try a diversion, try ignoring the behaviour, use a Time Out if needed, then forgive quickly and move on. He does acknowledge that this is going to be easier to implement at home than when out shopping!
The section on sleep in this book also didn't sit well with me, as it focused on the controlled crying technique (which I was surprised that he described as "his", I've always heard it associated with Dr Richard Ferber before). I don't want to judge this too harshly from my fortunate position of never having had to use it, but I don't like the idea of it and my gut feeling is to reject Dr Green's belief that "the more readily available the comfort at night, the worse the sleep pattern of the child" as a potentially damaging oversimplification - I do believe that it's possible to be too responsive, but I feel that being under-responsive could be far worse for the child.
Although I'm not at that stage yet, the section on toilet training seemed sensible ("don't start too early, don't force the child, and just take your time") and provided some useful rebuttals to use to the "my-children-were-out-of-nappies-by-this-age" brigade - he distinguishes between "toilet timing" where the child is placed on the potty to coincide with their regular movements, and true toilet training, which can only be achieved when the child's body and brain have matured sufficiently for them to sense, understand, and anticipate their bodily functions.
I was totally in agreement with Dr Green's advice on mealtimes, as he emphasizes making eating fun, not creating conflict over how much or what the child is eating so long as it is reasonably nutritious, and never force-feeding. "Within reason, try to give them what they want, where they want it, and when they are hungry." He also attempts to allay parental anxiety about children who won't eat by pointing out that hunger strikers can take about 68 days to die...
I did take away some useful messages from this book - in addition to the emphasis on calmness and consistency, it was useful to be reminded that toddlers just don't have the self-control to be responsible for their own behaviour in the face of temptation, and that toddler-proofing the environment and avoiding known conflict-triggers can save a lot of stress. A couple of points that made me laugh out loud relate to comparing the public behaviour of children: what you see in public places "is modified by a form of natural selection", so if your child is embarrassing you, remember the crowds of worse-behaved children whose parents are too scared to take them shopping. On a similar note, he also recommends "the therapeutic powers of MacDonald's restaurants", where "you just have to walk in the door and immediately you know that there are other children even worse-behaved than your own". These flippant points act as reminders of one of his most useful themes, that of reasonable expectations, remembering that "normal" toddler behaviour is not perfect and not making a big drama out of "non-problems".
On the whole, an interesting & very readable book with some useful content, although not one with which I could totally agree. If anything, it has inspired me to look around for one from the attachment parenting end of the spectrum, with the intention of trying to take the best points from both...
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