Nurture Shock - Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman

The subtitle of this book - "Why everything we think about raising our children is wrong" - inevitably exaggerates, but it does contain some genuinely surprising and intriguing findings. The chapter headings give a flavour, & I've added a few notes of things I found memorable or worth trying to implement:

• "The inverse power of praise" - experiments showing how calling children 'clever' makes them protective of their intelligent identity and less willing to risk failure; children should be taught that the brain is like a muscle that expands when stretched, and praise should focus on effort or specific positive actions.


• "The lost hour" - children now sleep an average of one hour less than 30 yrs ago; sleep is not just about rest for children, but crucial for learning, the processing of pleasant (as opposed to negative) memories, and the regulation of appetite etc.


• "Why white parents don't talk about race" - passive immersion in a multicultural environment is not enough to prevent racism, since children naturally classify on the basis of visible features; parents are scared of broaching the subject but do need to be explicit about their attitudes if they want to pass them on.


• "Why kids lie" - most children lie frequently and it's hard to tell when; they can't distinguish between a mistake and a lie so parents seem to be modelling lying when they make a sincere promise that they later can't keep; lying is often intended to please the audience so the most effective strategy for preventing it is teaching that the truth is always valued even if it's not the answer they wanted.


• "The search for intelligent life in kindergarten" - screening children for 'gifted' programmes in kindergarten is useless because their brains haven't yet finished developing; there's even some evidence to suggest that exceptional intelligence may be associated with slow brain maturation.


• "The sibling effect" - the best predictor of how siblings get along is the older child's existing friendships; social skills are learned outside the home and transferred back rather than the other way around. To improve sibling relationships, emphasise learning to have fun together, rather than conflict reduction.


• "The science of teen rebellion" - risk-taking and deception are ubiquitous in teenagers - the thrill-seeking behaviour is almost inevitable since their brains respond like addicts', only reacting positively to extreme rewards, and they are terrified of social embarrassment but have little fear of physical danger; permissive parenting doesn't appear to reduce lying; parents find arguments stressful, but for teenagers, trying to negotiate is a mark of respect since the alternative is to disrespect the parent by sneaking out and doing it anyway, so listening and making some concessions is a way to keep the dialogue open.


• "Can self-control be taught?" - a very positive description of a kindergarten programme called 'Tools of the Mind' which appears to help children develop 'executive function' skills such as planning and concentration. The children make up 'play plans' which they stick to during extended role plays, take turns telling each other stories, learn to assess the quality of their own work by checking each other's, and play games involving restraint, such as Simon Says.


• "Plays well with others" - perhaps the chapter that came closest to living up to the subtitle: educational TV leads to 'relational aggression' (because children are just as likely to learn from the extended 'bad situation' setup as from the brief reconciliation at the end that is intended to be the lesson of the show!); if an argument breaks out in front of the children, don't leave the room to spare their feelings, because it's important that they see the peaceful resolution; smacking appears to actually do less harm in families where it is used regularly, because it is normalised, whereas the occasional smackers do it angrily, conveying the message that the child has behaved so badly that they are outside of the normal rules; aggressive behaviour can be part of a toolkit used by a socially competent child; 'progressive' dads may be inconsistent and permissive, leading their children to be more aggressive than those of 'traditional' parents.


• "Why Hannah talks and Alyssa doesn't" - this one made me laugh: general TV watching doesn't impair speech development, but Baby Einstein DVDs do... the multilingual soundtracks intended to encourage language acquisistion actually delay it because they are not synched with a human face, and so babies can't process the noise as speech (babies use lip-reading to detect word boundaries). It also appears that the most important factors in encouraging a child to speak are to respond quickly to their babbling, and always to ensure that the word being taught corresponds to the focus of the child's attention (for example by wiggling it as you say the name).