The Purchase - Linda Spalding

Starting with the journey into exile of a disowned Quaker man at the end of the 18th century, this saga (loosely based on the author's own family history) explores the ethical problems faced by an abolitionist trying to start a new life in slave-owning rural Virginia with a young family in tow. The book makes good use of multiple viewpoints to show how many of the tragedies of the book arise from unintended consequences of well-meant actions - including the father's initial decision to "marry out" because he pitied his Methodist servant girl too much to send her back to the almshouse after his wife's death - as the characters attempt to navigate unexpected and unasked-for situations. Some of the most hurtful betrayals stem from the characters' painfully familiar tendency to lie to themselves about their motives when they act - or fail to! - out of self-interest.

Going Out - Scarlett Thomas

I found this entertaining road trip story about a collection of misfits seeking a miracle cure likeable enough, but didn't love it as much as the later books of hers that I've read where she explores ideas in more depth and uses more playful narrative structures. Shamefully, I even managed to miss the Wizard of Oz references, although with hindsight they're not exactly hidden.

The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry - Rachel Joyce

I was impressed by the skill with which Rachel Joyce was able to breathe life into this unlikely scenario, in which an elderly man impulsively decides to hand-deliver a letter to the other end of the country in an attempt to "make a difference" and atone for the failures and betrayals in his past. For most of this book I found it an enjoyable read, imagining that it would make a likeable and quirky film. The unflinching integrity of one concluding scene probably rules that out, but I admired it all the more for that, and the final chapter was touching and uplifting.

Me Before You - Jojo Moyes

A self-confessed "weepie" about the unlikely love story between a suicidal quadriplegic and his resolutely small-town carer, raising questions about what it means to live well and what makes life worth living. Her writing style is a bit lightweight - chatty, dialogue-heavy, and a little too reliant on stereotypical characters - but the subject matter is fascinating, the conclusion seems honest and moving, and I did feel tears well up twice...

Perfect - Rachel Joyce

An absorbing novel which explores the powerful effects that brief moments and chance encounters can have, as a present-day account of life with OCD is intertwined with the memory of a hot summer in which events spiralled out of control, ending in tragedy. Both narratives raise questions about cause and effect, flawed perceptions, and responsibility.

Longbourn - Jo Baker

A surprisingly gripping story with a compelling plot as well as the expected fascinating detail about life below stairs. The meshing of the maid Sarah's story with the original tale of Pride and Prejudice was cleverly done, and the insights into the precariousness of servants' lives (and how lucky they felt themselves to have a safe position in conditions that seemed harsh to me) were eye-opening. This story added further crimes to those of the 'bad' characters, but also revealed the casual thoughtlessness of many of the 'good' ones. Rather unfairly, I don't think I'll ever be able to see Mr. Bennett in the same way again...

Siblings Without Rivalry - Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

Another collection of mostly sensible-sounding advice from the authors of "How to Talk..." As with that one, I'll try to capture the gist here based mainly on the reminder sections:

Brothers and sisters need to have their feelings about each other acknowledged:
- with words that identify the feeling ("you sound furious!")
- or with wishes (give to children in fantasy: "you wish he'd ask before using your things")
- or with symbolic or creative activity ("how would you feel about making a 'Private Property' sign?")
Children need to have their hurtful actions stopped ("Hold it! People are not for hurting!") and to be shown how to discharge angry feelings acceptably ("Tell him with words how angry you are. Tell him, 'I don't want my skates used without my permission!'")
"Insisting on good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Allowing for bad feelings between the children led to good feelings."

Resist the urge to compare, speak only about the behaviour that pleases / displeases you:
- Describe what you see / what you feel / what needs to be done

Children don't need to be treated equally, they need to be treated uniquely:
- Instead of giving equal amounts, give according to individual need (also applies to time!)
- Instead of showing equal love, show the child he or she is loved uniquely ("You are the only 'you' in the whole wide world. No one could ever take your place").

Let no one lock a child into a role (bully/victim, the naughty one, the clever one etc):
- Parents can take opportunities to show/remind children they can act differently (e.g. ask in a friendly way or tell someone no) & provide counter examples when siblings (or the child) uses labels.
- Don't give your attention to the aggressor, attend to the injured party instead (possibly including "x needs to learn to ..." statements).
- Children with problems do not need to be viewed as problem children; they do need acknowledgement of their frustration, appreciation for what they have accomplished, however imperfect, and help in focusing on solutions.

Handling fighting:
- Ignore normal bickering, give them space to work on their conflict resolution skills...
- When things start to escalate:
1. Acknowledge their anger. ("You two sound cross!")
2. Reflect each child's point of view. ("X wants..., and Y feels...")
3. Describe the problem with respect. ("That's a tough one: two children and only one puppy.")
4. Express confidence in their ability to work it out ("I'm confident that you two can work out a solution that's fair to each of you... and fair to the puppy.")
5. Leave the room.
- If things might be getting dangerous:
1. Inquire: "Is this a play fight or a real fight?" (Only play fights allowed.)
2. Let the children know: "Play fighting by mutual consent only." (If it's not fun for both, it's got to stop.)
3. Respect your feelings: "You may be playing, but it's too rough for me. You need to find another activity."
- In dangerous situations:
1. Describe what you see: "I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other."
2. Separate the children: "It's not safe for each other. We need a cooling-off period. Quick, you to your room, and you to yours!"

When children can't work out a problem by themselves:
1. Call a meeting, explaining the purpose (to try to find a solution to problem x) & the ground rules (e.g. listening to each in turn without interruptions).
2. Write down each child's feelings and concerns, and read them aloud.
3. Allow each child time for rebuttal.
4. Invite everyone to come up with solutions. Write down all ideas without evaluating.
5. Decide upon solutions you can all live with.
6. Follow-up (e.g. agree a time to discuss whether things have improved).

Support a child who asks you to intervene, without taking sides:
1. State each child's case.
2. State the value or rule, e.g. "Homework assignments get top priority".
3. Leave room for negotiation. ("But if you want to work something out with your sister, that's up to you.")
4. Leave.

Further ideas for encouraging good feelings:
- Make sure that each child gets some time alone with you several times a week.
- When spending time with one child, don't talk about the other.
- Don't withhold attention or affection from a favoured child out of guilt.
- Don't lock children into birth order roles; give them opportunities to experience different roles (e.g. giving a youngest child responsibilities, letting an oldest child spend time being 'babied' by older cousins).
- Don't get trapped by 'togetherness'. (Give them breathing space from each other sometimes!)
- Let each child know what their siblings like or admire about them.
- Schedule family meetings.