Another collection of mostly sensible-sounding advice from the authors of "How to Talk..." As with that one, I'll try to capture the gist here based mainly on the reminder sections:
Brothers and sisters need to have their feelings about each other acknowledged:
- with words that identify the feeling ("you sound furious!")
- or with wishes (give to children in fantasy: "you wish he'd ask before using your things")
- or with symbolic or creative activity ("how would you feel about making a 'Private Property' sign?")
Children need to have their hurtful actions stopped ("Hold it! People are not for hurting!") and to be shown how to discharge angry feelings acceptably ("Tell him with words how angry you are. Tell him, 'I don't want my skates used without my permission!'")
"Insisting on good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Allowing for bad feelings between the children led to good feelings."
Resist the urge to compare, speak only about the behaviour that pleases / displeases you:
- Describe what you see / what you feel / what needs to be done
Children don't need to be treated equally, they need to be treated uniquely:
- Instead of giving equal amounts, give according to individual need (also applies to time!)
- Instead of showing equal love, show the child he or she is loved uniquely ("You are the only 'you' in the whole wide world. No one could ever take your place").
Let no one lock a child into a role (bully/victim, the naughty one, the clever one etc):
- Parents can take opportunities to show/remind children they can act differently (e.g. ask in a friendly way or tell someone no) & provide counter examples when siblings (or the child) uses labels.
- Don't give your attention to the aggressor, attend to the injured party instead (possibly including "x needs to learn to ..." statements).
- Children with problems do not need to be viewed as problem children; they do need acknowledgement of their frustration, appreciation for what they have accomplished, however imperfect, and help in focusing on solutions.
Handling fighting:
- Ignore normal bickering, give them space to work on their conflict resolution skills...
- When things start to escalate:
1. Acknowledge their anger. ("You two sound cross!")
2. Reflect each child's point of view. ("X wants..., and Y feels...")
3. Describe the problem with respect. ("That's a tough one: two children and only one puppy.")
4. Express confidence in their ability to work it out ("I'm confident that you two can work out a solution that's fair to each of you... and fair to the puppy.")
5. Leave the room.
- If things might be getting dangerous:
1. Inquire: "Is this a play fight or a real fight?" (Only play fights allowed.)
2. Let the children know: "Play fighting by mutual consent only." (If it's not fun for both, it's got to stop.)
3. Respect your feelings: "You may be playing, but it's too rough for me. You need to find another activity."
- In dangerous situations:
1. Describe what you see: "I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other."
2. Separate the children: "It's not safe for each other. We need a cooling-off period. Quick, you to your room, and you to yours!"
When children can't work out a problem by themselves:
1. Call a meeting, explaining the purpose (to try to find a solution to problem x) & the ground rules (e.g. listening to each in turn without interruptions).
2. Write down each child's feelings and concerns, and read them aloud.
3. Allow each child time for rebuttal.
4. Invite everyone to come up with solutions. Write down all ideas without evaluating.
5. Decide upon solutions you can all live with.
6. Follow-up (e.g. agree a time to discuss whether things have improved).
Support a child who asks you to intervene, without taking sides:
1. State each child's case.
2. State the value or rule, e.g. "Homework assignments get top priority".
3. Leave room for negotiation. ("But if you want to work something out with your sister, that's up to you.")
4. Leave.
Further ideas for encouraging good feelings:
- Make sure that each child gets some time alone with you several times a week.
- When spending time with one child, don't talk about the other.
- Don't withhold attention or affection from a favoured child out of guilt.
- Don't lock children into birth order roles; give them opportunities to experience different roles (e.g. giving a youngest child responsibilities, letting an oldest child spend time being 'babied' by older cousins).
- Don't get trapped by 'togetherness'. (Give them breathing space from each other sometimes!)
- Let each child know what their siblings like or admire about them.
- Schedule family meetings.
No comments:
Post a Comment