Parenting Without Power Struggles - Susan Stiffelman

Much of this gentle and positive book about "cool, calm and connected" parenting covers ideas I've heard many times before, but I found the way it was presented clear and memorable, especially the image of the parent as "Captain of the ship", exuding quiet authority and giving children the reassuring sense that we are "steady and calm - regardless of their moods or behavior".  I also found the discussion of being "in charge" interesting, especially the reminder that endless debates and negotiations are a sign that the parent is not "firmly rooted in your authority as the Captain of the ship", and that when a parent is desperately resorting to bribes and threats, it is a sign that power ("to make or break your serenity") has passed to the child.  The section on challenging our beliefs about the way that our children should behave, based on the idea that it is the stories we tell ourselves that cause us distress rather than actual events, is also very helpful.  It contains practical suggestions (using Byron Katie's four questions to probe the truth and impacts of our beliefs and even explore their opposites) on how to reassess the meanings we give to our children's behaviour.  The chapter that I picked up most new ideas from was probably that on attachment, based on Gordon Neufeld's "six stages of attachment" (proximity, sameness, belonging/loyalty, significance, love & being known), which I hadn't come across before.  These can be used to generate ideas on how to connect and maintain closeness with our children, such as demonstrating that we take pleasure in their company, focusing on things that we have in common, finding opportunities to show that we are on their side, and letting them know that we perceive them as special and important.  I liked the advice - which I know but often forget in the moment - on the futility of trying to advise or lecture in heated moments ("a child cannot process what you're saying when he's upset"), and the importance of responding to the feelings beneath children's words rather than getting caught up in debating the (often misleading) content of what they are saying.  I was intrigued by the assertion that "one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to help them find their tears and feel their sadness fully when they're frustrated" - this goes against my usual instincts to try to cheer up a distressed child, but I can see the logic in the idea that fully experiencing the emotion may be the most direct route to accepting and adapting to the situation - as is so powerfully expressed in the movie Inside Out.  The other section of the book which I found most persuasive was the description of the importance of allowing time to hear a child's feelings in a problematic situation before attempting to offer advice or suggestions - Stiffelman describes these stages as "Act I" (asking "what's it like to be you?", and giving the child a chance to feel heard and understood), and "Act II", when the parent can offer their guidance to the (hopefully by now more receptive) child.  The later chapters of the book felt less compelling to me (they were less relevant to my family's situation, and seemed to provide less detailed practical advice), but overall this was a book that I found encouraging and helpful, if not particularly original.

The World Without Us - Alan Weisman

The idea behind this book is captivating - what would happen to the world if the human race suddenly disappeared? - and the author explores the question from many angles, visiting parts of the world that are relatively untouched by humanity (such as the amazing sounding forest wilderness of the Białowieża Puszca on the border of Poland and Belarus), and places such as a Cypriot coastal resort, or the Korean DMZ, where human withdrawal due to conflict allows a glimpse of the natural reclamation of previously-inhabited areas. I was particularly struck by the description of the effort that goes into keeping New York's subway tunnels clear of water, and their vulnerability - apparently it would take less than half an hour without pumping to make the tunnels impassible for trains. There was of course plenty of consideration given to the permanent environmental impacts our current way of life, and the most shocking to me was the description of the ubiquity and longevity of the tiny pellets used in plastic manufacture ("nurdles") in the oceans, and our casual use of "polyethylene beads" as exfoliants in beauty products. Overall, this book contained some fascinating and thought-provoking material, but sometimes lacked a clear structure and read more like a collection of related articles, some of which were a little dry (such as the detailed descriptions of the processes of construction, maintenance, and probable decay of structures such as the Panama Canal).

Positive Discipline for Preschoolers - Jane Nelson, Cheryl Erwin, & Roslyn Ann Duffy

There is much to admire in this description of parenting through “teaching, guidance, and love”.  The philosophy of positive discipline (based on Alfred Adler’s belief that “human behaviour is motivated by a desire for belonging, significance, connection, and worth” and Rudolf Dreikurs’ emphasis on “the need for dignity and mutual respect in all relationships”) may all sound a bit too warm and fuzzy for some audiences, but there is also a strong emphasis on cultivating “the ability to be both kind and firm at the same time”.  I was particularly taken with the statement that “love is the easy part. The real issue is whether you can show your love in ways that nurture accountability and self-esteem”. The implication is that the main job of a parent is to “encourage your child to reach his full potential as a happy, contributing member of society”, by helping them attain “a sense of belonging and significance, perceptions of capability, personal power and autonomy, and social and life skills”.

Conventionally, discipline tends to be understood as a set of techniques for dealing with bad behaviour.  In this book, bad behaviour is seen as arising from “mistaken goals”, i.e. misbehaving children are trying to meet a real need in an inappropriate way.  The authors advise trying to look for and respond to a message behind misbehaviour, such as “Notice me - involve me usefully”, “Let me help - give me choices”, “I’m hurting - validate my feelings”, or “Don’t give up on me - show me a small step”.  The “building blocks” of positive discipline, such as mutual respect, discipline that teaches, and focusing on solutions instead of punishment, all seem reasonable to me.  These are followed up with suggestions of methods for implementing them, such as getting children involved, saying what you mean, and following through kindly and firmly, which mostly seem like common sense - although of the kind that’s often hard to remember in heated moments!  The one recommendation that seemed less obvious to me is to “act, don’t talk”, which I have found very useful on occasion.

I found the basic principle of “kind and firm” parenting very persuasive.  I have (theoretically at least!) been strongly influenced by the concept of long-term parenting – the idea of thinking about what characteristics you wish your children to have as adults, and trying to parent in a way that encourages those attributes, rather than focusing on solving short-term behaviour problems.  A story about a circle of friends who took it in turns to care for the children while the other mothers had some time off also stuck in my mind, and I significantly altered my views on early academic education after reading here about a research project that confirmed the early advantages of academic preschools, but found that “by age five, the kids from the play-oriented preschools had caught up, while those attending academic preschools felt less positive about school.”  The specific suggestions that I found most compelling on my initial read of this book (but could still benefit from doing more of myself!) were:

• Providing opportunities for children to develop skills, confidence, and a sense of initiative by doing things for themselves as much as possible, trying to be “more interested in helping children develop their full potential than getting chores done quickly” (or tidily!) and encouraging children to take on age-appropriate tasks such as dressing themselves and helping to prepare, serve, and clear away food;
• Positive time-outs - creating a space that children will find appealing and calming, and encouraging them to spend time cooling off there (alone or with a supportive adult) if they are “too upset to get along”, but not enforcing this or using it as a punishment;
• Stating clear expectations - e.g. discussing a forthcoming outing in detail, mentioning (even role-playing) expected behaviour and the consequences of breaking the rules, and following through on those consequences - the example that stuck in my mind was the child who was calmly taken to preschool in his pyjamas;
• Holding children responsible for their actions and giving them the opportunity to make amends, by involving them in cleaning or repairing tasks or finding ways to make someone they have upset feel better;
• Asking “curiosity questions” - allowing children opportunities to think things through by asking questions about what happened and the consequences (at a later, calmer, moment) rather than lecturing;
• Having brief family meetings at which family members can “offer compliments, help solve problems, plan family fun, and express their needs and get help” as well as simply enjoying each other’s company.

On a re-read 18 months later, a few other points also struck me as helpful.  Reading as a mother of two, I was interested in a section on birth order that suggested countering a first child’s tendency to perfectionism by reducing expectations and pressure, modelling acceptance of imperfection (yours and theirs!), and limiting responsibilities, and also in the suggestion of planning “special time” alone with each child, treating it as a special event and giving them focused attention.  Some suggestions on dealing with anger (which had become more relevant to our family in the intervening time!) also seemed useful, such as facilitating talking through feelings by asking yes-or-no questions, discussing physical feelings associated with anger that can act as cues to take a cooling off action, teaching slow breathing, and not trying to talk them out of their feelings.  I also realised a couple of mistakes I’ve been making when reading a warning against “piggybacking” by adding criticism or nagging when following through with consequences or discussing problems, and a reminder of the particular importance of consistent non-verbal communication when dealing with very young children who are still developing their language skills.  Having gone through a period of unpleasant battles with my daughter when I insisted that she drink more water, I also agreed with the advice on health maintenance that “when parents allow children to become involved and responsible (in age-appropriate ways, of course), they not only help ensure their child’s future health and well-being but also build self-confidence and a sense of capability”.

Although most of the advice in this book appears constructive and sensible, I did find myself questioning the level of open-mindedness of some of the parents in their examples - some of these appeared overly permissive (e.g. a mum who allowed her daughter to sleep in her shirt to improve the morning routine), while others seemed to be impractical to implement while fitting into the expectations of mainstream society (such as the example I mentioned earlier of sending a child to preschool in pyjamas).  I was also irritated at times by the frequent references to other books by the same authors on similar themes (even a suggestion to buy this book or another in the series as a gift for a childcare provider!).  On the whole, however, I found this to be a thought-provoking and encouraging resource.

Here are a few more detailed notes to jog my memory...

The “building blocks” of positive discipline are listed as:

• Mutual respect
• Understanding the belief behind behaviour
• Effective communication
• Understanding a child’s world
• Discipline that teaches
• Focusing on solutions instead of punishment
• Encouragement
• Children do better when they feel better

Methods for implementing positive discipline:

• Get children involved (in creating and following routines, through limited choices, with opportunities to help)
• Teach respect by being respectful
• Use your sense of humour
• Get into your child’s world
• Say what you mean, and then follow through with kindness and firmness
• Be patient
• Act, don’t talk - and supervise carefully
• Accept and appreciate your child’s uniqueness

Suggestions on dealing with anger:

• Invite them to draw a picture
• Facilitate talking through feelings by asking yes-or-no questions,
• Discuss physical feelings associated with anger that can act as cues to take a cooling off action,
• Look at a ‘feelings faces chart’,
• Encourage safe expressions (such as running, screaming into a pillow, playing with play-doh etc),
• Teach slow breathing,
• Use positive time-outs,
• Look at relevant books,
• Create an ‘anger wheel’ listing options they can choose from
• ... and don’t try to talk them out of their feelings!

Suggestions on dealing with violent or disrespectful behaviour:

• Decide what you will do (e.g. leave the room)
• Hold the child kindly and firmly (if you feel they may do damage)
• Share your feelings (model sharing your feelings and wishes)
• Use a positive time-out
• Ask curiosity questions
• Offer limited (respectful and acceptable) choices
• Discuss the problem at a family meeting

Thinking, Fast and Slow – Daniel Kahneman

This fascinating book is full of insights into human judgement and decision making, with an emphasis on the Nobel-winning collaboration between Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky, in which they challenged the idea that human thinking is fundamentally rational, and showed how “systematic errors” of judgement can be explained, not by emotional interference, but by “the design of the machinery of cognition”.  The book includes two of Kahneman & Tversky’s key papers, including 1974’s “Judgment under uncertainty: heuristics and biases”, in which they presented three major heuristics that we use to answer questions about probabilities or estimated values (representativeness, availability, and adjustment from an anchor) and demonstrated a range of biases that each frequently gives rise to.  The “fast and slow” thinking of the title refers to the “two systems” or modes of thought that much of the book discusses: the automatic, quick, involuntary and intuitive “System 1”, and the effortful, slow, complex and logical “System 2”.

One thing I particularly enjoyed about this book was the inclusion of lots of striking case studies and experimental results, such as:

• An office kitchen honesty box where the level of contributions increased sharply when an image of eyes “primed” the idea of being watched;
• Zajonc’s classic experiment demonstrating our liking for the familiar, where made up words were more likely to be judged to mean something good if the participant had previously seen them;
• Kahneman’s own discomfort as an examiner when he realised how strongly his grades for subsequent questions were influenced by the first essay he’d read from that student (a “halo effect”);
• Experiments where the ratings of competence given based on brief viewings of politician’s faces (generally higher for faces having “a strong chin with a slight confident-appearing smile”) correctly predicted (with around 70% success) the winner in an election;
• “Anchoring effects” where even an obviously random number picked on a wheel of fortune influences estimated answers to numeric questions, and even estate agents are influenced by the asking price when valuing a house, despite claiming not to be;
• An analysis showing the absence of any persistent variation in the results obtained by professional investment advisors, suggesting that successful stock picking is a matter of chance rather than skill – hard to believe because “we are far too willing to reject the belief that much of what we see in life is random”;
• A few shocking illustrations of the “planning fallacy” where forecasts are “unrealistically close to best-case scenarios” because others’ experiences and potential setbacks are not considered – such as Kahneman’s own team of textbook writers (who estimated they had two years’ work left, then learned that similar projects had a 40% failure rate and took around eight years if they did complete, but persevered anyway, finishing eight years later when the book was no longer in demand), and the Scottish Parliament building, originally budgeted at £40 million but finally completed for £431 million;
• An illustration of the costly effects of loss-aversion, where self-imposed goals act as reference points for our decisions, such as the New York cab drivers who go home early on (potentially high-earning) rainy days because they’ve met their daily targets, and work long hours on sunny ones when fares are scarce;
• A graph on reported life satisfaction, showing a peak at the time people got married and a sharp dip afterwards, which becomes less disturbing when read as “a graph of the likelihood that people will think of their recent or forthcoming marriage when asked about their life”.

Although I’m sure I’m still susceptible to the many biases described in this book, I have noticed my own thinking to be changed by the ideas described here on several occasions.  I found myself including “the law of small numbers” (that “small samples yield extreme results more often”) in a mental list of possible reasons for the difference in litter distribution in different areas of my road.  I once shouted “regression to the mean” at the TV when a presenter spoke of poor performance following a win as a “curse”.  I resisted the urge to throw in extra items when selling on eBay, because I’d learned that people evaluate sets by forming an impression of the average or typical item, and therefore adding lower-value items can actually devalue the entire set.  More significantly, two sections of this book have led to my strangely calm and agreeable attitude to a potentially life-changing decision that last year filled me with dread.  Firstly, I became convinced that much of my resistance to a big change is probably because our innate loss aversion makes us value what we already have more than what we might gain (“the disadvantages of a change loom larger than its advantages, inducing a bias that favours the status quo”).  Secondly, I was reminded that, because even a drastic change like paralysis only affects people’s mental state when they’re focused on it, and other things regain focus over time, “nothing in life is as important as you think it is when you’re thinking about it”.

Some of the questions raised in this book are extremely hard to answer – such as whether people’s reluctance to automate life-or-death decisions, based on the “stubborn psychological reality” that “for most people, the cause of a mistake matters”, making a death caused by computer error seem more tragic than one caused by a human, should be overruled if an algorithm is available that makes fewer mistakes than a human expert.  I particularly struggled with the material in the final section about the contrast between the evaluations and priorities of the “experiencing self” and the “remembering self” (which disregards the duration of experiences, basing evaluations instead on moments of peak intensity and the way situations end).  Despite acknowledging that “memories are all we get to keep from the experience of living”, Kahneman mostly presents our tendency to base our decisions on the priorities of the “remembering self” as a mistake, but I felt (with my own experience of childbirth in mind) that – since we only experience each situation once but live with the memory of it for the rest of our lives – the emphasis on memory seemed reasonable, although choosing to disregard lived experience does of course raise major concerns. This section seemed to suggest more questions than it answered, such as the challenging question of whether medical interventions should be prioritised and designed based on how feared a condition is, how much suffering people actually experience in their daily lives, or how they evaluate their situation when reflecting on it.

In his conclusion, Kahneman notes with regret that in attempting to improve judgements and decisions, “little can be achieved without a considerable amount of effort”, and that the main route to avoid biases is to learn enough about them to recognise situations where errors occur, and then to consciously slow down and engage System 2.  He does also present some helpful advice and techniques though:

• “Decorrelate error” by making judgements as independent as possible, e.g. when conducting a meeting, ask each participant to summarise their opinions in writing first;
• In single-issue negotiations, avoid anchoring effects by going first if possible, and if you think the other side has made an outrageous offer, “make a scene, storm out or threaten to do so, and make it clear – to yourself as well as to the other side – that you will not continue the negotiation with that number on the table”;
• Before making significant decisions, hold a “pre-mortem” meeting where people imagine a disastrous outcome for the currently favoured plan;
• Start by considering base rates and averages when making estimates and predictions, e.g. always obtain and use statistics from similar projects as a baseline when making predictions, and consider how strong the correlation is between the predictors you’re considering and the result;
• Use simple checklists and formulas (such as the Apgar score) to assist with decision making – e.g. conduct interviews with standardized, factual questions, using “a disciplined collection of objective information and disciplined scoring of separate traits” to rate candidates;
• Use “risk policies” such as “never buy extended warranties” to group gambles together when considering potential losses and gains, and remember that “you win a few, you lose a few”;
• Remember that “intuition cannot be trusted in the absence of stable regularities in the environment”, and that experts are only reliable when they have experienced good feedback from a predictable environment.

Perhaps more controversially, he also concludes (with Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein, the authors of “Nudge”) that the vulnerability of human decision making to biases, particularly the powerful impact of framing effects, means that people “often need help to make more accurate judgements and better decisions, and in some cases policies and institutions can provide that help”.  The “libertarian paternalism” advocated here consists of things like making pension plans opt-out rather than opt-in, and regulating the way that messages of importance are communicated (such as displaying the more intuitive “gallons-per-mile” alongside mpg on new cars) in order to provide a “nudge” towards decisions believed to serve people’s long-term interests.

Early in the book, Kahneman describes experiments using problems with intuitively appealing wrong answers that could be solved correctly with only a little mental effort.  He describes people who are more able to resist the tempting fallacies (presumably by deliberately slowing down to check their initial answer and search their memories for additional relevant facts) as “more alert, more mentally active, less willing to be satisfied by superficially attractive answers, more skeptical about their intuitions”.  According to Keith Stanovich, these qualities are not guaranteed by the possession of high “algorithmic” intelligence, but rather constitute a separate ability, “rationality” (or being “engaged”, as Kahneman describes it).  It would appear that this is the aptitude that we need to develop if we wish to avoid some of the pitfalls described so convincingly in this book.

Playful Parenting – Lawrence J. Cohen

“Playful Parenting” is described in this book as “a way of filling children’s needs for attachment, love, security, confidence, and closeness”. Cohen argues that since children’s play serves three purposes – building confidence through trying on adult roles, providing opportunities for closeness, and aiding recovery from emotional distress – parenting in a playful way, even in challenging situations, is the best way to assist with these processes.  He asserts that children’s difficult behaviour typically stems from feelings of either isolation or powerlessness, and that it makes more sense to address the root of the problem (by playing with these themes while providing affection, secure loving connections, and attention) than to attempt to change behaviour through punitive discipline.  Cohen notes that the times that we feel least like playing are when we don’t feel a strong connection with our children, or their play is ‘stuck’, aggressive, repetitive or boring, or our families are experiencing stressful transitions – all times that our playful input is most strongly required.  His approach to play asks us to make a conscious effort to “follow the giggles, build connections, foster self-confidence, and try to love the games we used to hate”, taking time to play and being willing to set aside adult ideas of dignity and act the clown if required (since “it takes a village idiot to raise a child”).

The chapter on ‘roughhousing’ initially made the biggest impression on me, as it was furthest removed from my previous idea of myself as a parent.  After reading Cohen’s account of the benefits of active physical play, I was convinced that I needed to give it a go.  He describes play fighting as a way to practise restraint and control as well as aggression, and as a tool for building confidence and assertiveness in less physically active children.  He also states that children learn to self-soothe through the close contact that this kind of play involves and the opportunities it provides to practise settling down afterwards, and that this can also help improve children’s focus and concentration.  He provides the following ground rules for getting started with wrestling with your child:

• Provide basic safety (e.g. ground rules such as pushing not hitting)
• Find every opportunity for connection (lots of cuddle breaks, eye contact)
•  Look for opportunities to increase their confidence and sense of power
• Play through old hurts (“it must remind the child of the initial incident, but not so much that she is paralyzed with fear or powerlessness”)
• Provide the right level of resistance (this might mean humorously not noticing when the child has escaped…)
• Pay close attention (look for good signs: giggling or exertion)
• (Usually) let the child win
• Stop when someone is hurt (or take a break, regroup and continue)
• No tickling allowed (holding them down makes them feel out of control)
• Don’t let your own feelings get in the way (exaggerate them comically)

I was also very interested in Cohen’s ideas on discipline, which he is careful to define as “the teaching of our values and principles”.  He advocates approaching discipline through closeness, playfulness and emotional understanding.  His first suggestion is to take a break to calm down, perhaps by phoning someone, before responding to a challenging situation (this has worked well for me).  He then recommends focusing on connecting with the child, in the belief that punishments increase children’s sense of isolation and powerlessness, whereas re-establishing a connection can repair underlying problems.  A ‘meeting on the couch’ to reconnect is presented as a positive alternative to a ‘time-out’, since “when discipline is presented to children as a joint problem requiring a joint solution, things go much better”.  Unsurprisingly, play is a major theme in Cohen’s approach to discipline: playing with the issues causing conflict, such as making silly rules and pretending to break them; using a playful tone; making mock threats and ‘acting’ upset; and recognizing when bad behaviour is a form of social ‘experiment’.  Cohen’s opinion is that “parents avoid playfulness in difficult parenting situations because they are afraid of rewarding bad behaviour… but being playful is not about rewards or punishments, it is about restoring the missing ingredient – connection – that caused the problems in the first place”.  Rather than applying techniques to create obedience in specific situations, he thinks we should be aiming to instil good judgement, by brainstorming handling situations, discussing moral dilemmas, discussing feelings – ours and theirs – after a conflict, modelling our values, and fostering cognitive organization through providing a quiet cosy place to calm down, a structured schedule, creative projects, and safe physical play.  He emphasizes the need to look under the surface, at the child’s feelings and needs, by viewing challenging behaviour as a coded message and trying to respond positively to that. (This one has also worked for me, e.g. responding to a push with “I missed you too & I’d love to have a big cuddle”.)  We are also reminded to use our knowledge of our child and accept – or at least manage, or try to prevent, rather than punish – behaviour that is normal for their developmental stage or temperament.  Finally (in case all of this is sounding too ‘soft’) he concludes that “children need limits, guidance and structure… applied lovingly and in a relaxed manner, not in anger or revenge”, urging parents never to give in against our better judgement or because of fear of an emotional reaction, but instead to set a limit calmly and then stay engaged, listening to their feelings and accepting tears if they come.

There is also some useful material on sibling relationships.  Cohen states that “at the heart of sibling rivalry is a set of profound and universal questions: Am I loved? Truly, absolutely loved? Am I wanted? Am I special? Am I powerful? Will my parents stop loving me if they start to love that other kid? Can I make the world bend to my will? Why can’t I do what I see that person doing? Why can’t I get what I see that person getting?”  He recommends experimenting with some or all of the following options to smooth sibling conflicts: offer a solution; give encouragement and inspire their confidence (support them while they figure it out); flood (both) children with love and affection (e.g. a mum who said she’d fill up the older siblings with love, kissing them from toes to head, then cracking a ‘love egg’ on their heads); protect (intervene when needed, and teach children that “they have the right to be safe, others have the right to be safe with them, there is nothing so terrible that you can’t tell someone about it, and you can keep searching until someone listens”); provide perspective (calmly listen and reflect back); promote win-win outcomes; be playful (try a comic commentary?); and give up the search for perfect equality (acknowledging when things are not fair).

There are some specific suggestions in this book that I’d like to spend more time exploring, particularly those around playing out difficult situations to let children practice gaining control over their impulses (“Let’s play getting dressed and ready”) and using play “to recover from a traumatic incident, large or small”, often using role reversal – “the purpose is to go through the incident again, but this time letting the scary feelings out – usually through giggles. That’s why a child likes to play this kind of game over and over and over.”  The observations on communication are also convincing, for example the suggestion to tell children a story from your day (which they may respond to) rather than bombarding them with questions about theirs, and to honour the way they choose to communicate by paying attention when they talk about “unimportant” things or repeat themselves.  There are lots of play ideas for specific purposes too, such as for self-soothing (teaching three long breaths, with emphasis on the exhale, and encouraging games of soothing and comforting dolls), self-regulation (calling out frequent, rapid directions while children run, jump or dance), and motor planning / sequencing (obstacle courses & treasure hunts).  On the subject of connection building, one story struck me as particularly moving: when the author’s daughter was two, she used to ignore her mother when she came home after working a night shift, at one point even refusing to admit that it was mummy and not daddy who was holding her.   They turned the question of “who is that holding you?” into a family ritual, which always led to cuddles and closeness, but often with extremes of tears and giggling along the way.

I first read this book when my daughter was an impeccably behaved toddling only child, and found it only mildly interesting – I liked some of the ideas but was a little irritated by some of the self-conscious attempts to create new terminology (“PlayTime” for dedicated child-led playtime, “filling their cup” for meeting attachment needs, and the “towers” of isolation and powerlessness).  After re-reading it while she’s a more challenging three year old with a sometimes-turbulent relationship with her little brother, I became somewhat obsessed by it.  In the few weeks that followed I found that playful parenting – joining in with children’s play enthusiastically, retaining a sense of humour about your role as a parent, and looking for a playful response to difficult situations – can indeed make a huge positive difference to family life.  Since then, as the energy and momentum of my initial enthusiasm have faded, I have also been struck by how true the observations in the final chapter are: that when parents are feeling tired and isolated ourselves we will struggle to maintain the open and playful attitude needed to make this approach work, and that we first need to apply the same principles to ourselves and how we deal with our own feelings, in particular by talking openly about our experiences of parenting.

Three Shoes, One Sock & No Hairbrush - Rebecca Abrams

This discussion of having a second child has a reputation for negativity, which is to some extent deserved - it emphasizes "the feelings of frustration and failure that so many women go through when they become mothers-of-two", and I agree that it could be frightening for someone expecting their second. However, reading it nearly seven months into the experience, I found it powerfully reassuring, as my difficulties were convincingly described as normal, understandable, and (most importantly to me) temporary.

Many aspects of second-time motherhood that are covered here matched my experiences exactly. The postnatal health of second time mothers is described as much better immediately after an easier labour, but "in the longer-term, real physical recovery is usually slower". A sudden outbreak of demanding behaviour & even "systematic trickiness" is considered normal in unsettled firstborn children, and the tendency for mothers to react with irritation is described honestly and sympathetically ("the chasm between the delicate, fragile newborn infant and the robust, determined toddler was vast and unbridgeable, and into its depths plunged most of my parenting standards and ideals"). Jacky Fleming's cartoons are great, too - I particularly liked one of a woman cooing over her haloed baby while a horned toddler scowls behind her, and another where a woman with two children, asked how she is, replies with a confused expression, "Me?! Absolutely no idea, sorry." I felt strangely comforted by the fact that this book didn't shy away from discussing the extremes - along with confronting the strongly ambivalent feelings that motherhood routinely gives rise to, and quoting a mother of two who claims that "every couple I know is in crisis", Doris Lessing's desertion and Sylvia Plath's suicide are mentioned without condemnation. A Joseph Rowntree Foundation survey is quoted as concluding that "a woman's life satisfaction drops to an all-time low in the year after the birth of her second child". On a lighter note, there are some good one-liners, such as Vicki Iovine's painfully true observation that "a woman gets 'Precious Vessel' status once with each partner". Books by Adrienne Rich, Kate Figes, and Helen Simpson are also quoted fairly heavily, and would probably be worth reading more of.

A major theme of this book, which I hadn't previously considered, is that our cultural ideal of love, including parental love, is based on "a romantic model of two people locked in intense relation to one another", which is obviously largely unattainable when dealing with two children at once. I agreed with the observation that "most of the information and guidance we receive about mothering assumes that a woman will be relating to one child at a time", and felt relieved that I wasn't the only one when I read that "before our second child is born, instead of imagining ourselves loving another child, we imagine ourselves loving our first child all over again".

Another insight which was new to me, but obvious once acknowledged, is that "a first child is a shared focus, a joint project", whereas when adopting a divide-and-conquer approach to handle the practical realities of two, "children can become a wedge, pushing each parent in different directions, not only physically, but emotionally".

For me, the main value of this book was in creating a feeling of normality around some of the more challenging emotional upheavals of second-time motherhood. I didn't take away much practical advice, although I did appreciate the section on steps to take to restore closeness with the first-born, such as looking through their baby photos and remembering special times together, and trying to respond to challenging behaviours with affection and tolerance. The reminders on "looking after number one" through exercise, sleep, fun ("if you can't stand being you, try pretending to be someone else for a while"), relaxation & indulgence were also useful. Mainly, though, I enjoyed the reminders that "the first two years are undoubtedly the hardest", and "this phase - like every other phase - won't last forever". The only worrying point is the statement, taken from Robert Stewart, that "satisfaction in second-time mothers nose-dived at around eight months" - just over a month or so in the future at the point of reading...

The Hare with Amber Eyes - Edmund de Waal

I bought this thinking it was fiction, but after a slow start it turned out to be something far more intriguing. Ostensibly a history of the author's family's ownership of a collection of netsuke (miniature Japanese sculptures), it covers a wide range of cultural and social history through the eyes of this wealthy cosmopolitan family of Jewish bankers, within the context of the author's thoughtful reflections on his own research and writing, and the impact that the project has on him. Early sections on art collecting in 19th century Paris were of limited interest to me, but the description of life for a prominent Jewish family in Nazi Vienna was compelling. I was impressed by de Waal's avoidance of sentimentality - after telling the quite amazing story of the netsuke's survival, hidden in a mattress by a loyal family servant, he describes this as an 'affront' in the light of the many people connected with the family who were not so lucky. One phrase stuck in my mind particularly clearly: writing of his grandmother's decision to burn her old correspondence and not speak of those times, he says, "Losing things can sometimes give you a space in which to live."

Simplicity Parenting - Kim John Payne

This is a book about "using the extraordinary power of less to raise calmer, happier, and more secure kids". Another ghostwritten one, this presents the ideas of a counsellor, inspired by the principles of Waldorf education, who asserts that by moving away from the current emphasis on "too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, and too fast", we can reduce our children's stress levels, providing increased calm and security, and align our family lives more closely with our original vision for them. He presents an action plan based around four levels of simplification: of the environment, rhythm, schedules, and filtering out the adult world.

As a tangible, 'doable', place to start, the environment is the first point addressed. The main recommendation is to remove the vast majority of the toys that have accumulated (halving, then halving again, and possibly even once more, although the later stages will be stored to build a 'toy library' for periodic swapping out), focusing on rejecting fixed, complex, technological toys and retaining open-ended ones that support creative, imaginative, purposeful play. (For more on this see the work of Simon Nicholson on 'loose parts'.) I have trouble accepting the application of the same principle to books, but I do wholeheartedly agree that my life would be simpler and more harmonious if my daughter's wardrobe contained only clothes that fit her and suited the current weather! The corrosive effects of advertising are also discussed, with credit given to Mary Pipher's book The Shelter of Each Other, making the point that marketing teaches us to be unhappy with what we have, creating "both a sense of entitlement, and a false reliance on purchases rather than people to satisfy and sustain us emotionally".

The next section focuses on using 'rhythm', i.e. consistency, predictability, and shared rituals, to build calm, security, and a sense of connection into family life. I'm not sure I'd go as far as adopting the idea of 'core meals' tied to each night of the week, but I did like some of his suggestions: a time each night to preview the next day; family meals where all are involved in the preparation and cleanup; a moment of silence before eating and an opportunity to share 'favourite things' about the day or each other; building in 'pressure valves' each day of calm, connected moments or absorbing activities; candlelight; predictable bedtimes etc. I particularly liked the idea of easing transitions by assigning a chore before leaving the house to break the flow of play before trying to get out of the door.

The discussion on schedules uses a farming analogy based on crop rotation to emphasize the importance of 'fallow periods' (leisure and rest; 'downtime') and replenishing 'cover crops' (creativity or deep play, opportunities to fully lose yourself in an activity) as well as the main 'crop' of the daily activities of school, classes, sports, chores and socialising, which can easily be 'overscheduled' in contemporary life. This includes a useful reminder to think ahead and plan to balance active and calm times (including 'Sabbath moments' of distraction-free quiet family time), and I was particularly interested in the idea of boredom as a 'gift', which can be "appreciated for how often it precedes inspiration". He even asserts that overscheduling can "create a reliance on outer stimulation, a culture of compulsion and instant gratification", sowing the seeds of addiction...

The final section, on filtering out the pressures and concerns of the adult world, has a twin focus - on adult media and information, and on parental overinvolvement. Earlier in the book, he quotes US journalist Ellen Goodman: "The central struggle of parenthood is to let our hopes for our children outweigh our fears", and here he focuses on trust, and repeats that "parents need to relax in order to convey ease to their children": "we need to live with confidence, to parent with a sense of strength and openness, and perhaps most of all, a sense of humour". Obviously one of the main focuses of this section is on 'screens', in particular TV - I can see the logic of removing the TV completely, but I am more comfortable with his lesser option of reducing its influence by setting limits on the quantity and content of its use, and taking occasional longer 'breaks' from it. I also liked the reminder that adults too can benefit from cutting down on our exposure to sensationalist and alarmist media. In discussing 'helicopter parenting' and 'hyperparenting' he suggests that such overinvolvement can be countered by an effort to 'talk less', removing references to adult topics or concerns, cutting down on running commentaries, and trying only to say what is 'true, kind, and necessary'. "In a noisy world, quiet attentiveness speaks louder than words, and it gives a child more space for their own thoughts and feelings to develop." I was surprised and intrigued by his advice on avoiding too much analysis of feelings with younger children - "when we push a young child toward an awareness they don't yet have, we transpose our own emotions, and our own voice, on theirs".

Overall I found this to be a positive and encouraging book, putting into words some of the vague feelings I'd been having recently about wanting to provide a calmer, clearer space for our family with more room for creativity and self-expression, and suggesting practical steps to make that happen. I liked the final idea to help parents appreciate the ordinary, everyday, miraculous present lives of their children: "before falling into sleep, remember the ordinary moments of the day, the moments with your children that meant something to you".

Your Self-Confident Baby - Magda Gerber

I came to this through being given a recommendation for an article on Janet Lansbury's blog, and after exploring the site further and becoming quite captivated by this video in which a baby demonstrates amazing persistence and concentration in reaching for a toy without adult assistance, I decided to find out more about the "RIE" philosophy that was being illustrated.

The book is a (ghost-written) summary of the teachings of Magda Gerber, who brought the ideas of the Hungarian paediatrician Emmi Pikler to the US & founded "Resources for Infant Educarers" to demonstrate and spread these ideas. She advocates an approach to childcare based on respect, listing her basic principles as:

• Basic trust in the child to be an initiator, an explorer, and a self-learner
• An environment for the child that is physically safe, cognitively challenging, and emotionally nurturing
• Time for uninterrupted play
• Freedom to explore and interact with other infants
• Involvement of the child in all care-giving activities to allow that child to become an active participant rather than a passive recipient
• Sensitive observation of the child in order to understand her needs
• Consistency and clearly defined limits and expectations to develop discipline

Much of what is described here makes a lot of sense - I can see how the more "hands-off" approach to children playing (described here as "absence of interference") could support the growth of independence and confidence, and I have already been seeing positive results with my own toddler from trying to "help" her less when she is playing (e.g. when she asked me to make a person out of playdough as she didn't think she could, I handed it back to her and she did eventually make one herself and seemed pleased with the results). I'm sure I could also benefit from reducing the number of over-engineered plastic toys in my home and replacing them with a few simpler, open-ended objects. I also agree with the emphasis on calm observation and honest communication rather than overstimulation and distraction - a comment on "invasive" tickling bringing on "hysterical" laughter struck a particular chord with me as I've never felt entirely comfortable with this as a distraction technique.

Some of the ideas presented here don't sit quite so comfortably with me, however. For example, Gerber is not keen on supporting infants in positions they couldn't get into themselves. I'm not sure how much of this was learned in response to my actions, but my daughter was insistent on being held in an upright, outward-facing position as a baby, and I wouldn't have wanted to deny her this. Gerber also rejects anything that restrains infants; I enjoyed using a sling with my daughter and hope to again with my son, and I would have trouble giving up the idea of that closeness. Similarly, she advocates feeding on your lap and moving onto using a small chair and table rather than a highchair for meals - I can see the logic of this based on her philosophy, but I can't imagine giving up the convenience of a highchair or the social time of sitting at an adult table together. Most significantly, although I can see theoretical benefits in terms of building independence and the ability to self-soothe, I can't entirely accept her recommendations on allowing infants to cry, particularly in terms of following the "Ferber method" at bedtime.

I did find her views on not stepping in too early to try to resolve disputes between toddlers very interesting, though - she says, "I believe in letting children struggle over a toy as long as neither one gets hurt or hasn't reached a point where he is past his limit of coping with the situation." I can see how this might lead to more genuine learning about social interaction, problem solving, and co-operation, but it also seems like a tricky strategy to implement, particularly in the context of adult social expectations that parents are responsible for their children's actions and should enforce "fair play"! I'm quite ambivalent about her views on "teaching" toddlers - she feels strongly that "learning academic skills should be saved for school-age children" and although I can see her point that pushing a reluctant child could quash their innate love of learning, and I do feel uncomfortable with pressure such as repeatedly correcting toddlers' speech, I think that there is room for a middle ground where a child's own enthusiasm could help them to acquire skills that may smooth their future path in life...

Overall, this book has given me plenty of food for thought and I think that it will have an influence on the way I parent in future. I don't feel able to adopt her philosophy wholesale, as I still expect to do more carrying and comforting than she would endorse, but I will certainly be on the lookout for ways to back off a little during "play" times and during social interactions.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks - Rebecca Skloot

This was one of those books that is utterly captivating but rather hard to describe, as it somehow manages to form a coherent whole out of strands of biography, memoir (as the author's research becomes part of the narrative), medical history, and ethical debate. The focal point for all of these aspects is the life and legacy of a young woman called Henrietta Lacks, who died of cancer in 1951, unknowingly leaving behind a sample of cells from the tumour on her cervix, which became 'HeLa' - "the world's first immortal human cells". I finally tracked it down after being given a strong recommendation for it months ago, and was very glad it did because it really got me thinking and kept popping up in conversation with everyone I spoke to for weeks afterwards. I was surprised to discover that informed consent is still not always required for cell research (e.g. in the UK "Consent is not required to use tissue obtained from living patients if the tissue is anonymous to the researcher and the project has research ethics approval"), and was in total sympathy when reading about the difficulties the Lacks family had in accepting what had happened - but intriguingly, when I mentioned the book to a friend currently doing scientific research, she appeared utterly bemused by the idea that anyone might object...

Affluenza - Oliver James

Oliver James defines "the Affluenza Virus" as "a set of values which increase our vulnerability to emotional distress", namely "placing a high value on acquiring money and possessions, looking good in the eyes of others and wanting to be famous". It's hard to argue with his basic argument that these increasingly ubiquitous values are unfulfilling and should be resisted, but I did sometimes find his writing style a little grating; is it totally ethical for a psychoanalyst to interview people for his book and then write about some of them in such a scathing way? Also, is it really necessary to come up with uncessesary and excessively capitalised jargon to turn a piece of intelligent analysis into a Big Idea? ("Virus", "Selfish Capitalism", "Having", "Being", and "Marketing Characters" were the ones I noticed, although the last few were apparently taken from the work of Erich Fromm so I suppose I can't blame James so much...)

"Virus values" are said to cause distress because they tend to lead us away from fulfilling our genuine needs, which he describes as follows:

"we need to feel secure, emotionally and materially; we need to feel part of a community, to give and receive from family, neighbours and friends; we need to feel competent, that we're not useless, are effective in chosen tasks; and we need to feel autonomous and authentic, masters of our destinies to some degree and not living behind masks."

"Selfish Capitalism", with its resultant inequalities, is seen as the underlying cause of the spread of the "Affluenza Virus" - James characterises this system as one in which: business success is judged almost exclusively on share prices; public utilities are kept in private hands; regulation of business and taxation of the rich are minimal; and excessive reliance is placed on consumption and market forces. Intriguingly, "Virus motives" are seen as more damaging than "Virus goals" - "provided the motive is intrinsic, like meeting basic material needs, supporting a family and self-efficacy, people were not made unhappy by wanting money.".

For future reference, here are the "vaccines" that James proposes that individuals should adopt against the "Affluenza Virus":

1. Have Positive Volition:
   This seems to mean taking a realistic view of yourself and your environment, taking responsibility for your choices - but not for situations outside of your control - and actively choosing to align your life with your values as far as possible.
   
2. Replace Virus Motives:
   Audit your motives and goals, and try to shift both work and play activities towards ones where the "intrinsic" motives of "interest, enjoyment and the stimulation of a challenge" are primary.
   
3. Be Beautiful:
   Try to develop a "personal, self-expressive" idea of beauty that isn't about cultural norms, appearing attractive to others, or seeking eternal youth...
   
4. Consume What You Need:
   Be grateful for what you have got ("an inside loo, a bath, a cooker, a fridge, central heating and utilities that work") and be sceptical about the advertising-induced temptation to work harder for more money for things you don't really need - particularly to pay a huge mortgage: "it is strongly advisable not to allow our self-esteem to be attached to how our home appears to others. If you allow that you happen, you are trapped on a treadmill you will be too scared to leave."
   
5. Meet Your Children's Needs:
   Try to meet your child's basic needs and give them "supportive (but not permissive, boundaryless) nurture", modelling your values but allowing the child to choose whether to adopt them. First you'll need to audit your own values and disentangle what really matters to you...
   
6. Educate Your Children:
   After a rather frightening account of "exam fever", anxiety and depression among high-achieving teenage girls, the advice is to encourage them (and rememeber ourselves) to engage with their authentic interests with curiousity and playfulness, and pursue education for its own sake rather than as a step onto the corporate ladder: "education has been hijacked by business. The goal is to create good little producers and consumers, whereas it should be an enquiring mind, capable of both scholarship and of a playful, self-determined and emotionally productive life."
   
7. Enjoy Motherhood:
   This repeated many of the themes of How Not to F*** Them Up, emphasizing the need to get off the property treadmill and value and enjoy motherhood rather than "regard[ing] only paid work as a source of self-esteem."
   
8. Be Authentic, Vivacious and Playful:
   "imagine that you have a fatal illness and are reviewing your life from that standpoint": opt out of celebrity-watching, sleep & relax more, build honest, emotionally intimate relationships, and play with small children! (I was initially confused by the distinction James makes between being "sincere" and "authentic" - but then I heard a radio news report about the "sincere" apology made by Rupert Murdoch to the family of a murdered schoolgirl whose phone had been hacked by an investigator working for his newspaper...)

There are some unsettling observations about the drawbacks of a meritocratic system in the section on education, particularly the growth of frustration and low self-esteem in a society where a competitive educational system is used to determine people's life chances. I'd be interested to read the satire he quotes from, "The Rise of the Meritocracy" by Michael Young (1958).

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk - Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

I enjoyed this book on parent-child communication more than I expected to - despite its rather simplistic presentation style, with lots of cartoons and "exercises" full of leading questions, I felt as though I learned quite a lot from it (particularly the sections on acknowledging children's feelings, building autonomy, and giving praise using description rather than evaluation.) The aim of the book is to present patterns of communication which represent "the most respectful, effective ways to deal with the endless challenges presented by children" and I was sufficiently impressed to want to capture the gist of it here (this is mainly based on the 'reminder' sections within each chapter).

Helping children deal with their feelings:

• Listen quietly and attentively
  
• Acknowledge their feelings with a word ("Oh... mmm... I see...")
  
• Give the feeling a name ("That sounds frustrating!")
  
• Grant the wish in fantasy ("I wish I could..." - use exaggeration and humour, even write it down)
  
• All feelings can be accepted; certain *actions* must be limited. (E.g. anger acceptable, hitting not...) Sometimes a physical outlet or an opportunity to "draw their feelings" may help them calm down to the point where they can talk.
  

Engaging cooperation:

• Describe what you see ("There's a wet towel on the bed")
  
• Give information ("The towel is getting my blanket wet")
  
• Say it with a word ("The towel!")
  
• Describe what you feel ("I don't like sleeping in a wet bed!")
  
• Write a note (e.g. a reminder above the towel rail)
  

Alternatives to punishment:

• Express your feelings strongly - without attacking character ("I'm furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!")
  
• State your expectations ("I expect my tools to be returned after they've been borrowed")
  
• Show the child how to make amends ("What this saw needs now is steel wool and elbow grease"
  
• Give the child a choice ("You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide.")
  
• Take action (lock the tool box!)
  
• Problem solve (talk about the child's feelings and needs, and yours; brainstorm together; write down ALL ideas; work together to eliminate ideas you don't like and decide on a plan to follow through on)
  

Encouraging autonomy ("encourage your child's sense of herself as a separate, competent, self-reliant person ... is there anything you've been doing for your child that they might start doing for him or herself?"):

• Let children make choices (e.g. about clothes & food)
  
• Show respect for a child's struggle ("It can be hard to ... Sometimes it helps if...")
  
• Don't ask too many questions ("Glad to see you. Welcome home.")
  
• Don't rush to answer questions ("That's an interesting question - what do you think?")
  
• Encourage children to use sources outside the home ("Maybe xxx would have a suggestion")
  
• Don't take away hope ("That should be an experience" - even if it's tempting to try to set more "realistic" expectations)
  
• Also:
  • Let her own her own body (refrain from continual touching / invasion of physical privacy)
    
  • Stay out of the minutiae of a child's life (don't nag on trivia)
    
  • Don't talk about a child in front of them (they're not your possession)
    
  • Let a child answer for himself (redirect 3rd-party questions)
    
  • Show respect for their eventual "readiness" (don't force, urge or embarrass, just express confidence that "when you're ready"/"one of these days"/"when you decide to" it will happen)
    
  • Watch out for too many "No"s (try alternatives, such as "we're about to...", "if it were up to you...", "I'd like to help, but...", "we can do that later", "let me think about it")
    

Praise: (describe, don't evaluate!)

• Describe what you see ("I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf")
  
• Describe what you feel ("It's a pleasure to walk into this room!" but note that "You must be so proud of yourself!" is better than "I'm so proud of you!"...)
  
• Sum up the praiseworthy behaviour with a word ("You did ... Now that's what I call ...")
  

Freeing children from playing roles:

• Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself (comment on behaviour that goes against the role)
  
• Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently (give them opportunities to act against the role)
  
• Let children overhear you say something positive about them
  
• Model the behaviour you'd like to see
  
• Be a storehouse for your child's special moments ("I remember the time you...")
  
• When the child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations. ("I don't like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you")
  

The Good Behaviour Book - William & Martha Sears

One of the selection of 'hippie parenting books' that I'm currently reading in order to get the other side of the picture after reading Toddler Taming, this came across as a mostly-sensible guide to encouraging good behaviour without harsh punishments. I was interested by my own reaction to discovering that the authors have eight children - they mentioned this a couple of chapters in and I noticed that from that point on, I found it harder to take them seriously... even more intriguingly, this fact is presented as a positive (evidence of their experience) on the book's marketing blurb, indicating that other people (particularly Americans?) don't share my view on this! Another amusing Americanism is the inclusion of a lengthy discussion on whether there is biblical authority for smacking in their list of reasons not to hit your child ("In our opinion, nowhere in the Bible does it say you must smack your child to be a godly parent").

The authors define discipline as "what you do to encourage good behaviour" rather than emphasizing negative, punitive approaches, which seems like a good approach to me. They do discuss correction techniques, suggesting shaping a child's behaviour "through the use of praise, selective ignoring, and time-outs; through teaching an understanding of consequences; through the use of motivators, reminders, and negotiation; and through the removal of privileges". However, traditional 'punishments' tend to be given a positive spin: time out is used as 'thinking time' or 'quiet time' to help the child reflect and calm down, and surrounded by 'time in' where the child gets plenty of attention. The basic principles of discipline are listed as:

• Get connected early
• Know your child
• Help your child to respect authority
• Set limits, provide structure
• Expect obedience
• Model discipline
• Nurture your child's self-confidence
• Shape your child's behaviour
• Raise kids who care
• Talk and listen
  

The main emphasis of the book is on practising the "attachment parenting" style that the Searses advocate in order to build a sensitive, trusting relationship with a connected, secure child. In this way they claim that the need for corrective disciplining techniques later on will be significantly reduced. Their key instructions for attachment parenting are listed as: Respond to your baby's cries, Breastfeed your baby, Wear your baby, Play with your baby, Share sleep with your baby, and Become a facilitator (i.e. available and supportive but not controlling or smothering). I find the idea of sharing sleep a step too far, but (to some extent at least) I agree with and try to implement each of the other points on this list, and I do agree with their general emphasis on "parenting to sleep".

A few points that stood out for me as useful suggestions were: toddlers often behave better in an ordered environment (clearing clutter and keeping toys separated on shelves rather than muddled in boxes may help); give notice to allow gradual transitions (don't just pick up a child and leave, give them time to say goodbye to the toys etc, or incorporate slowing down and stopping into the game they are playing); involve the child in dealing with consequences (cleaning up mess, fixing broken toys etc); make eye contact, then use one simple sentence to make a positive point ("we walk indoors" rather than "don't run"), offer a motive ("get dressed so you can go outside and play") or give an alternative ("we don't touch that, but you can play with this"); write notes rather than nag older children & teens. A few of the points on ways of speaking make sense but don't come naturally to me: using the inclusive "we ..." rather than saying "no"; praising by acknowledging specifics rather than saying "good girl" or gushing over expected behaviour; and (depending on developmental level!) either breaking down tasks into small, specific, steps, or leaving space for the child to fill in the blanks or work out their own solution. I'm going to find it particularly challenging to implement their advice to foster healthy body image by using "correct" names for private parts...

I found it helpful - if worrying! - to get some warning that "the time between the ages of fourteen and eighteen months is very hard for mothers. The high-energy toddler wants to do everything, but he still needs mother involved 'big time'" - I'm hoping that the promise of being able to ease off at eighteen months helps me through this period...

The Film Club - David Gilmour

A slight but interesting account of an unusual experiment - the author allowed his teenage son to drop out of school and continue living with him rent-free, on only two conditions: no drugs, and participation in the "film club" where father and son watched and discussed three films a week together. The concept is interesting - by working with the boy's interests the father managed to create opportunities to connect, and (either by luck or judgement) the son did end up going on to college. The book is also very readable and works as a family memoir, a reflection on parenting teens, and also a brief education on filmmaking... I enjoyed the dad's enthusiastic descriptions of scenes from films he loved, but also the son's casual dismissals, such as his observation that Breakfast at Tiffany's is "a peculiar movie ... It's about a pair of prostitutes. But the movie itself doesn't seem to know that. It seems to think it's about something sort of sweet and nutty."

The Seven Stages of Motherhood - Ann Pleshette Murphy

Subtitled "Making the most of your life as a mum", or more punchily in the original US version "Loving your life without losing your mind", this book focuses on the importance of focusing on the mother's development and needs, both for her own sake and to enable her to provide the best parenting she can. The experience of motherhood is described as being "as much about autonomy, independence, and self-actualization as it is about connectedness, dependence, and self-sacrifice. It's about taking risks and lashing ourselves to traditions, tolerating lightening-speed changes and mind-numbing boredom, juggling the practical along with the ineffable, and learning how to push through when life is so full of pain or bliss it hurts to breathe." There's also a healthy emphasis on the unrealistic expectations many women experience as they try to "do it all", believing - wrongly! - that if only they were a little more organised they could fulfil many roles perfectly without making any compromises.

I found the book interesting - there was plenty of good anecdotal material in it, and it did make me reflect on my own experiences so far - but (perhaps because I'm only just entering her third stage?) I didn't really absorb the differences between each of her 7 stages or understand what point she was trying to make by distinguishing between them. I agreed with the basic premise that motherhood involves massive identity changes, not just initially but on an ongoing basis, but as she says in her conclusion, "we revisit key issues ... at every stage of our development: how to balance work and family; when to coddle, when to let go; how to trust your gut; nurture your marriage; get a grip on your anxiety; set limits; tolerate intense feelings of love and anger."

The story that made most impact on me was a quote from a book called Nature's Thumbprint, which illustrates her basic point about the importance of examining your own attitudes and preconceptions as a mother. When a pair of identical twins were two and a half, their two adoptive mothers were asked about their eating habits - one complained that she was "at her wit's end" because the girl would only eat food with cinnamon on it, the other the other was delighted that her daughter would "eat anything" so long as she put cinnamon on it.

I was also particularly intrigued by the idea (taken from The Birth of a Mother) that towards the end of pregnancy, women's mental image of their baby tends to fade, to avoid disappointing comparisons between the real baby and the idealized imaginary one - and that the lack of an opportunity to do this adds to the difficulties faced by mothers whose babies are borm prematurely. I did experience this myself - at around 5 months I formed quite a strong image of a baby (which oddly, did turn out to match the one I eventually had!) but towards the end of the pregnancy, my husband and I both found it incredibly difficult to picture an actual baby at all.

Overall, I found this readable and reassuring but not in any way life-changing.

A Beginner's Guide to Acting English - Shappi Khorsandi

A deceptively light-hearted memoir describing the comedian's early childhood in Iran, her family's arrival in London, and their eventual need to remain in the UK as refugees after her father's satirical journalism attracts the wrong kind of attention from the new Iranian regime. Most memorable for me were the accounts of phoning back to relatives in Iran and hearing her child-aunt - only a year and a half older than her - shower her with ultra-formal compliments ("What a beautiful voice you have! May I die for your voice!") and sing the praises of the Ayatollah, and also a disturbingly amusing tale about her brother traumatising a small refugee boy from the flat downstairs by appearing at the window wearing an Ayatollah Khomeini mask, which somehow brought the refugee experience to life more clearly than more brutal descriptions would have done. The book's ending - the family attain refugee status, and an epilogue provides a happy update from more recent times - is only partially satisfying, perhaps because of the real-life difficulty of cancelling out the deep feelings of fear and vulnerability powerfully described in the wake of an attempt on her father's life: ("I knew it was impossible for us to just huddle together, us four, in the house and never go anywhere, but that is what I wanted to do. It was the only way I would feel safe, but there is no way to say it without sounding mad.")