Parenting Without Power Struggles - Susan Stiffelman

Much of this gentle and positive book about "cool, calm and connected" parenting covers ideas I've heard many times before, but I found the way it was presented clear and memorable, especially the image of the parent as "Captain of the ship", exuding quiet authority and giving children the reassuring sense that we are "steady and calm - regardless of their moods or behavior".  I also found the discussion of being "in charge" interesting, especially the reminder that endless debates and negotiations are a sign that the parent is not "firmly rooted in your authority as the Captain of the ship", and that when a parent is desperately resorting to bribes and threats, it is a sign that power ("to make or break your serenity") has passed to the child.  The section on challenging our beliefs about the way that our children should behave, based on the idea that it is the stories we tell ourselves that cause us distress rather than actual events, is also very helpful.  It contains practical suggestions (using Byron Katie's four questions to probe the truth and impacts of our beliefs and even explore their opposites) on how to reassess the meanings we give to our children's behaviour.  The chapter that I picked up most new ideas from was probably that on attachment, based on Gordon Neufeld's "six stages of attachment" (proximity, sameness, belonging/loyalty, significance, love & being known), which I hadn't come across before.  These can be used to generate ideas on how to connect and maintain closeness with our children, such as demonstrating that we take pleasure in their company, focusing on things that we have in common, finding opportunities to show that we are on their side, and letting them know that we perceive them as special and important.  I liked the advice - which I know but often forget in the moment - on the futility of trying to advise or lecture in heated moments ("a child cannot process what you're saying when he's upset"), and the importance of responding to the feelings beneath children's words rather than getting caught up in debating the (often misleading) content of what they are saying.  I was intrigued by the assertion that "one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to help them find their tears and feel their sadness fully when they're frustrated" - this goes against my usual instincts to try to cheer up a distressed child, but I can see the logic in the idea that fully experiencing the emotion may be the most direct route to accepting and adapting to the situation - as is so powerfully expressed in the movie Inside Out.  The other section of the book which I found most persuasive was the description of the importance of allowing time to hear a child's feelings in a problematic situation before attempting to offer advice or suggestions - Stiffelman describes these stages as "Act I" (asking "what's it like to be you?", and giving the child a chance to feel heard and understood), and "Act II", when the parent can offer their guidance to the (hopefully by now more receptive) child.  The later chapters of the book felt less compelling to me (they were less relevant to my family's situation, and seemed to provide less detailed practical advice), but overall this was a book that I found encouraging and helpful, if not particularly original.

Positive Discipline for Preschoolers - Jane Nelson, Cheryl Erwin, & Roslyn Ann Duffy

There is much to admire in this description of parenting through “teaching, guidance, and love”.  The philosophy of positive discipline (based on Alfred Adler’s belief that “human behaviour is motivated by a desire for belonging, significance, connection, and worth” and Rudolf Dreikurs’ emphasis on “the need for dignity and mutual respect in all relationships”) may all sound a bit too warm and fuzzy for some audiences, but there is also a strong emphasis on cultivating “the ability to be both kind and firm at the same time”.  I was particularly taken with the statement that “love is the easy part. The real issue is whether you can show your love in ways that nurture accountability and self-esteem”. The implication is that the main job of a parent is to “encourage your child to reach his full potential as a happy, contributing member of society”, by helping them attain “a sense of belonging and significance, perceptions of capability, personal power and autonomy, and social and life skills”.

Conventionally, discipline tends to be understood as a set of techniques for dealing with bad behaviour.  In this book, bad behaviour is seen as arising from “mistaken goals”, i.e. misbehaving children are trying to meet a real need in an inappropriate way.  The authors advise trying to look for and respond to a message behind misbehaviour, such as “Notice me - involve me usefully”, “Let me help - give me choices”, “I’m hurting - validate my feelings”, or “Don’t give up on me - show me a small step”.  The “building blocks” of positive discipline, such as mutual respect, discipline that teaches, and focusing on solutions instead of punishment, all seem reasonable to me.  These are followed up with suggestions of methods for implementing them, such as getting children involved, saying what you mean, and following through kindly and firmly, which mostly seem like common sense - although of the kind that’s often hard to remember in heated moments!  The one recommendation that seemed less obvious to me is to “act, don’t talk”, which I have found very useful on occasion.

I found the basic principle of “kind and firm” parenting very persuasive.  I have (theoretically at least!) been strongly influenced by the concept of long-term parenting – the idea of thinking about what characteristics you wish your children to have as adults, and trying to parent in a way that encourages those attributes, rather than focusing on solving short-term behaviour problems.  A story about a circle of friends who took it in turns to care for the children while the other mothers had some time off also stuck in my mind, and I significantly altered my views on early academic education after reading here about a research project that confirmed the early advantages of academic preschools, but found that “by age five, the kids from the play-oriented preschools had caught up, while those attending academic preschools felt less positive about school.”  The specific suggestions that I found most compelling on my initial read of this book (but could still benefit from doing more of myself!) were:

• Providing opportunities for children to develop skills, confidence, and a sense of initiative by doing things for themselves as much as possible, trying to be “more interested in helping children develop their full potential than getting chores done quickly” (or tidily!) and encouraging children to take on age-appropriate tasks such as dressing themselves and helping to prepare, serve, and clear away food;
• Positive time-outs - creating a space that children will find appealing and calming, and encouraging them to spend time cooling off there (alone or with a supportive adult) if they are “too upset to get along”, but not enforcing this or using it as a punishment;
• Stating clear expectations - e.g. discussing a forthcoming outing in detail, mentioning (even role-playing) expected behaviour and the consequences of breaking the rules, and following through on those consequences - the example that stuck in my mind was the child who was calmly taken to preschool in his pyjamas;
• Holding children responsible for their actions and giving them the opportunity to make amends, by involving them in cleaning or repairing tasks or finding ways to make someone they have upset feel better;
• Asking “curiosity questions” - allowing children opportunities to think things through by asking questions about what happened and the consequences (at a later, calmer, moment) rather than lecturing;
• Having brief family meetings at which family members can “offer compliments, help solve problems, plan family fun, and express their needs and get help” as well as simply enjoying each other’s company.

On a re-read 18 months later, a few other points also struck me as helpful.  Reading as a mother of two, I was interested in a section on birth order that suggested countering a first child’s tendency to perfectionism by reducing expectations and pressure, modelling acceptance of imperfection (yours and theirs!), and limiting responsibilities, and also in the suggestion of planning “special time” alone with each child, treating it as a special event and giving them focused attention.  Some suggestions on dealing with anger (which had become more relevant to our family in the intervening time!) also seemed useful, such as facilitating talking through feelings by asking yes-or-no questions, discussing physical feelings associated with anger that can act as cues to take a cooling off action, teaching slow breathing, and not trying to talk them out of their feelings.  I also realised a couple of mistakes I’ve been making when reading a warning against “piggybacking” by adding criticism or nagging when following through with consequences or discussing problems, and a reminder of the particular importance of consistent non-verbal communication when dealing with very young children who are still developing their language skills.  Having gone through a period of unpleasant battles with my daughter when I insisted that she drink more water, I also agreed with the advice on health maintenance that “when parents allow children to become involved and responsible (in age-appropriate ways, of course), they not only help ensure their child’s future health and well-being but also build self-confidence and a sense of capability”.

Although most of the advice in this book appears constructive and sensible, I did find myself questioning the level of open-mindedness of some of the parents in their examples - some of these appeared overly permissive (e.g. a mum who allowed her daughter to sleep in her shirt to improve the morning routine), while others seemed to be impractical to implement while fitting into the expectations of mainstream society (such as the example I mentioned earlier of sending a child to preschool in pyjamas).  I was also irritated at times by the frequent references to other books by the same authors on similar themes (even a suggestion to buy this book or another in the series as a gift for a childcare provider!).  On the whole, however, I found this to be a thought-provoking and encouraging resource.

Here are a few more detailed notes to jog my memory...

The “building blocks” of positive discipline are listed as:

• Mutual respect
• Understanding the belief behind behaviour
• Effective communication
• Understanding a child’s world
• Discipline that teaches
• Focusing on solutions instead of punishment
• Encouragement
• Children do better when they feel better

Methods for implementing positive discipline:

• Get children involved (in creating and following routines, through limited choices, with opportunities to help)
• Teach respect by being respectful
• Use your sense of humour
• Get into your child’s world
• Say what you mean, and then follow through with kindness and firmness
• Be patient
• Act, don’t talk - and supervise carefully
• Accept and appreciate your child’s uniqueness

Suggestions on dealing with anger:

• Invite them to draw a picture
• Facilitate talking through feelings by asking yes-or-no questions,
• Discuss physical feelings associated with anger that can act as cues to take a cooling off action,
• Look at a ‘feelings faces chart’,
• Encourage safe expressions (such as running, screaming into a pillow, playing with play-doh etc),
• Teach slow breathing,
• Use positive time-outs,
• Look at relevant books,
• Create an ‘anger wheel’ listing options they can choose from
• ... and don’t try to talk them out of their feelings!

Suggestions on dealing with violent or disrespectful behaviour:

• Decide what you will do (e.g. leave the room)
• Hold the child kindly and firmly (if you feel they may do damage)
• Share your feelings (model sharing your feelings and wishes)
• Use a positive time-out
• Ask curiosity questions
• Offer limited (respectful and acceptable) choices
• Discuss the problem at a family meeting

Playful Parenting – Lawrence J. Cohen

“Playful Parenting” is described in this book as “a way of filling children’s needs for attachment, love, security, confidence, and closeness”. Cohen argues that since children’s play serves three purposes – building confidence through trying on adult roles, providing opportunities for closeness, and aiding recovery from emotional distress – parenting in a playful way, even in challenging situations, is the best way to assist with these processes.  He asserts that children’s difficult behaviour typically stems from feelings of either isolation or powerlessness, and that it makes more sense to address the root of the problem (by playing with these themes while providing affection, secure loving connections, and attention) than to attempt to change behaviour through punitive discipline.  Cohen notes that the times that we feel least like playing are when we don’t feel a strong connection with our children, or their play is ‘stuck’, aggressive, repetitive or boring, or our families are experiencing stressful transitions – all times that our playful input is most strongly required.  His approach to play asks us to make a conscious effort to “follow the giggles, build connections, foster self-confidence, and try to love the games we used to hate”, taking time to play and being willing to set aside adult ideas of dignity and act the clown if required (since “it takes a village idiot to raise a child”).

The chapter on ‘roughhousing’ initially made the biggest impression on me, as it was furthest removed from my previous idea of myself as a parent.  After reading Cohen’s account of the benefits of active physical play, I was convinced that I needed to give it a go.  He describes play fighting as a way to practise restraint and control as well as aggression, and as a tool for building confidence and assertiveness in less physically active children.  He also states that children learn to self-soothe through the close contact that this kind of play involves and the opportunities it provides to practise settling down afterwards, and that this can also help improve children’s focus and concentration.  He provides the following ground rules for getting started with wrestling with your child:

• Provide basic safety (e.g. ground rules such as pushing not hitting)
• Find every opportunity for connection (lots of cuddle breaks, eye contact)
•  Look for opportunities to increase their confidence and sense of power
• Play through old hurts (“it must remind the child of the initial incident, but not so much that she is paralyzed with fear or powerlessness”)
• Provide the right level of resistance (this might mean humorously not noticing when the child has escaped…)
• Pay close attention (look for good signs: giggling or exertion)
• (Usually) let the child win
• Stop when someone is hurt (or take a break, regroup and continue)
• No tickling allowed (holding them down makes them feel out of control)
• Don’t let your own feelings get in the way (exaggerate them comically)

I was also very interested in Cohen’s ideas on discipline, which he is careful to define as “the teaching of our values and principles”.  He advocates approaching discipline through closeness, playfulness and emotional understanding.  His first suggestion is to take a break to calm down, perhaps by phoning someone, before responding to a challenging situation (this has worked well for me).  He then recommends focusing on connecting with the child, in the belief that punishments increase children’s sense of isolation and powerlessness, whereas re-establishing a connection can repair underlying problems.  A ‘meeting on the couch’ to reconnect is presented as a positive alternative to a ‘time-out’, since “when discipline is presented to children as a joint problem requiring a joint solution, things go much better”.  Unsurprisingly, play is a major theme in Cohen’s approach to discipline: playing with the issues causing conflict, such as making silly rules and pretending to break them; using a playful tone; making mock threats and ‘acting’ upset; and recognizing when bad behaviour is a form of social ‘experiment’.  Cohen’s opinion is that “parents avoid playfulness in difficult parenting situations because they are afraid of rewarding bad behaviour… but being playful is not about rewards or punishments, it is about restoring the missing ingredient – connection – that caused the problems in the first place”.  Rather than applying techniques to create obedience in specific situations, he thinks we should be aiming to instil good judgement, by brainstorming handling situations, discussing moral dilemmas, discussing feelings – ours and theirs – after a conflict, modelling our values, and fostering cognitive organization through providing a quiet cosy place to calm down, a structured schedule, creative projects, and safe physical play.  He emphasizes the need to look under the surface, at the child’s feelings and needs, by viewing challenging behaviour as a coded message and trying to respond positively to that. (This one has also worked for me, e.g. responding to a push with “I missed you too & I’d love to have a big cuddle”.)  We are also reminded to use our knowledge of our child and accept – or at least manage, or try to prevent, rather than punish – behaviour that is normal for their developmental stage or temperament.  Finally (in case all of this is sounding too ‘soft’) he concludes that “children need limits, guidance and structure… applied lovingly and in a relaxed manner, not in anger or revenge”, urging parents never to give in against our better judgement or because of fear of an emotional reaction, but instead to set a limit calmly and then stay engaged, listening to their feelings and accepting tears if they come.

There is also some useful material on sibling relationships.  Cohen states that “at the heart of sibling rivalry is a set of profound and universal questions: Am I loved? Truly, absolutely loved? Am I wanted? Am I special? Am I powerful? Will my parents stop loving me if they start to love that other kid? Can I make the world bend to my will? Why can’t I do what I see that person doing? Why can’t I get what I see that person getting?”  He recommends experimenting with some or all of the following options to smooth sibling conflicts: offer a solution; give encouragement and inspire their confidence (support them while they figure it out); flood (both) children with love and affection (e.g. a mum who said she’d fill up the older siblings with love, kissing them from toes to head, then cracking a ‘love egg’ on their heads); protect (intervene when needed, and teach children that “they have the right to be safe, others have the right to be safe with them, there is nothing so terrible that you can’t tell someone about it, and you can keep searching until someone listens”); provide perspective (calmly listen and reflect back); promote win-win outcomes; be playful (try a comic commentary?); and give up the search for perfect equality (acknowledging when things are not fair).

There are some specific suggestions in this book that I’d like to spend more time exploring, particularly those around playing out difficult situations to let children practice gaining control over their impulses (“Let’s play getting dressed and ready”) and using play “to recover from a traumatic incident, large or small”, often using role reversal – “the purpose is to go through the incident again, but this time letting the scary feelings out – usually through giggles. That’s why a child likes to play this kind of game over and over and over.”  The observations on communication are also convincing, for example the suggestion to tell children a story from your day (which they may respond to) rather than bombarding them with questions about theirs, and to honour the way they choose to communicate by paying attention when they talk about “unimportant” things or repeat themselves.  There are lots of play ideas for specific purposes too, such as for self-soothing (teaching three long breaths, with emphasis on the exhale, and encouraging games of soothing and comforting dolls), self-regulation (calling out frequent, rapid directions while children run, jump or dance), and motor planning / sequencing (obstacle courses & treasure hunts).  On the subject of connection building, one story struck me as particularly moving: when the author’s daughter was two, she used to ignore her mother when she came home after working a night shift, at one point even refusing to admit that it was mummy and not daddy who was holding her.   They turned the question of “who is that holding you?” into a family ritual, which always led to cuddles and closeness, but often with extremes of tears and giggling along the way.

I first read this book when my daughter was an impeccably behaved toddling only child, and found it only mildly interesting – I liked some of the ideas but was a little irritated by some of the self-conscious attempts to create new terminology (“PlayTime” for dedicated child-led playtime, “filling their cup” for meeting attachment needs, and the “towers” of isolation and powerlessness).  After re-reading it while she’s a more challenging three year old with a sometimes-turbulent relationship with her little brother, I became somewhat obsessed by it.  In the few weeks that followed I found that playful parenting – joining in with children’s play enthusiastically, retaining a sense of humour about your role as a parent, and looking for a playful response to difficult situations – can indeed make a huge positive difference to family life.  Since then, as the energy and momentum of my initial enthusiasm have faded, I have also been struck by how true the observations in the final chapter are: that when parents are feeling tired and isolated ourselves we will struggle to maintain the open and playful attitude needed to make this approach work, and that we first need to apply the same principles to ourselves and how we deal with our own feelings, in particular by talking openly about our experiences of parenting.

Three Shoes, One Sock & No Hairbrush - Rebecca Abrams

This discussion of having a second child has a reputation for negativity, which is to some extent deserved - it emphasizes "the feelings of frustration and failure that so many women go through when they become mothers-of-two", and I agree that it could be frightening for someone expecting their second. However, reading it nearly seven months into the experience, I found it powerfully reassuring, as my difficulties were convincingly described as normal, understandable, and (most importantly to me) temporary.

Many aspects of second-time motherhood that are covered here matched my experiences exactly. The postnatal health of second time mothers is described as much better immediately after an easier labour, but "in the longer-term, real physical recovery is usually slower". A sudden outbreak of demanding behaviour & even "systematic trickiness" is considered normal in unsettled firstborn children, and the tendency for mothers to react with irritation is described honestly and sympathetically ("the chasm between the delicate, fragile newborn infant and the robust, determined toddler was vast and unbridgeable, and into its depths plunged most of my parenting standards and ideals"). Jacky Fleming's cartoons are great, too - I particularly liked one of a woman cooing over her haloed baby while a horned toddler scowls behind her, and another where a woman with two children, asked how she is, replies with a confused expression, "Me?! Absolutely no idea, sorry." I felt strangely comforted by the fact that this book didn't shy away from discussing the extremes - along with confronting the strongly ambivalent feelings that motherhood routinely gives rise to, and quoting a mother of two who claims that "every couple I know is in crisis", Doris Lessing's desertion and Sylvia Plath's suicide are mentioned without condemnation. A Joseph Rowntree Foundation survey is quoted as concluding that "a woman's life satisfaction drops to an all-time low in the year after the birth of her second child". On a lighter note, there are some good one-liners, such as Vicki Iovine's painfully true observation that "a woman gets 'Precious Vessel' status once with each partner". Books by Adrienne Rich, Kate Figes, and Helen Simpson are also quoted fairly heavily, and would probably be worth reading more of.

A major theme of this book, which I hadn't previously considered, is that our cultural ideal of love, including parental love, is based on "a romantic model of two people locked in intense relation to one another", which is obviously largely unattainable when dealing with two children at once. I agreed with the observation that "most of the information and guidance we receive about mothering assumes that a woman will be relating to one child at a time", and felt relieved that I wasn't the only one when I read that "before our second child is born, instead of imagining ourselves loving another child, we imagine ourselves loving our first child all over again".

Another insight which was new to me, but obvious once acknowledged, is that "a first child is a shared focus, a joint project", whereas when adopting a divide-and-conquer approach to handle the practical realities of two, "children can become a wedge, pushing each parent in different directions, not only physically, but emotionally".

For me, the main value of this book was in creating a feeling of normality around some of the more challenging emotional upheavals of second-time motherhood. I didn't take away much practical advice, although I did appreciate the section on steps to take to restore closeness with the first-born, such as looking through their baby photos and remembering special times together, and trying to respond to challenging behaviours with affection and tolerance. The reminders on "looking after number one" through exercise, sleep, fun ("if you can't stand being you, try pretending to be someone else for a while"), relaxation & indulgence were also useful. Mainly, though, I enjoyed the reminders that "the first two years are undoubtedly the hardest", and "this phase - like every other phase - won't last forever". The only worrying point is the statement, taken from Robert Stewart, that "satisfaction in second-time mothers nose-dived at around eight months" - just over a month or so in the future at the point of reading...

Simplicity Parenting - Kim John Payne

This is a book about "using the extraordinary power of less to raise calmer, happier, and more secure kids". Another ghostwritten one, this presents the ideas of a counsellor, inspired by the principles of Waldorf education, who asserts that by moving away from the current emphasis on "too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, and too fast", we can reduce our children's stress levels, providing increased calm and security, and align our family lives more closely with our original vision for them. He presents an action plan based around four levels of simplification: of the environment, rhythm, schedules, and filtering out the adult world.

As a tangible, 'doable', place to start, the environment is the first point addressed. The main recommendation is to remove the vast majority of the toys that have accumulated (halving, then halving again, and possibly even once more, although the later stages will be stored to build a 'toy library' for periodic swapping out), focusing on rejecting fixed, complex, technological toys and retaining open-ended ones that support creative, imaginative, purposeful play. (For more on this see the work of Simon Nicholson on 'loose parts'.) I have trouble accepting the application of the same principle to books, but I do wholeheartedly agree that my life would be simpler and more harmonious if my daughter's wardrobe contained only clothes that fit her and suited the current weather! The corrosive effects of advertising are also discussed, with credit given to Mary Pipher's book The Shelter of Each Other, making the point that marketing teaches us to be unhappy with what we have, creating "both a sense of entitlement, and a false reliance on purchases rather than people to satisfy and sustain us emotionally".

The next section focuses on using 'rhythm', i.e. consistency, predictability, and shared rituals, to build calm, security, and a sense of connection into family life. I'm not sure I'd go as far as adopting the idea of 'core meals' tied to each night of the week, but I did like some of his suggestions: a time each night to preview the next day; family meals where all are involved in the preparation and cleanup; a moment of silence before eating and an opportunity to share 'favourite things' about the day or each other; building in 'pressure valves' each day of calm, connected moments or absorbing activities; candlelight; predictable bedtimes etc. I particularly liked the idea of easing transitions by assigning a chore before leaving the house to break the flow of play before trying to get out of the door.

The discussion on schedules uses a farming analogy based on crop rotation to emphasize the importance of 'fallow periods' (leisure and rest; 'downtime') and replenishing 'cover crops' (creativity or deep play, opportunities to fully lose yourself in an activity) as well as the main 'crop' of the daily activities of school, classes, sports, chores and socialising, which can easily be 'overscheduled' in contemporary life. This includes a useful reminder to think ahead and plan to balance active and calm times (including 'Sabbath moments' of distraction-free quiet family time), and I was particularly interested in the idea of boredom as a 'gift', which can be "appreciated for how often it precedes inspiration". He even asserts that overscheduling can "create a reliance on outer stimulation, a culture of compulsion and instant gratification", sowing the seeds of addiction...

The final section, on filtering out the pressures and concerns of the adult world, has a twin focus - on adult media and information, and on parental overinvolvement. Earlier in the book, he quotes US journalist Ellen Goodman: "The central struggle of parenthood is to let our hopes for our children outweigh our fears", and here he focuses on trust, and repeats that "parents need to relax in order to convey ease to their children": "we need to live with confidence, to parent with a sense of strength and openness, and perhaps most of all, a sense of humour". Obviously one of the main focuses of this section is on 'screens', in particular TV - I can see the logic of removing the TV completely, but I am more comfortable with his lesser option of reducing its influence by setting limits on the quantity and content of its use, and taking occasional longer 'breaks' from it. I also liked the reminder that adults too can benefit from cutting down on our exposure to sensationalist and alarmist media. In discussing 'helicopter parenting' and 'hyperparenting' he suggests that such overinvolvement can be countered by an effort to 'talk less', removing references to adult topics or concerns, cutting down on running commentaries, and trying only to say what is 'true, kind, and necessary'. "In a noisy world, quiet attentiveness speaks louder than words, and it gives a child more space for their own thoughts and feelings to develop." I was surprised and intrigued by his advice on avoiding too much analysis of feelings with younger children - "when we push a young child toward an awareness they don't yet have, we transpose our own emotions, and our own voice, on theirs".

Overall I found this to be a positive and encouraging book, putting into words some of the vague feelings I'd been having recently about wanting to provide a calmer, clearer space for our family with more room for creativity and self-expression, and suggesting practical steps to make that happen. I liked the final idea to help parents appreciate the ordinary, everyday, miraculous present lives of their children: "before falling into sleep, remember the ordinary moments of the day, the moments with your children that meant something to you".

Your Self-Confident Baby - Magda Gerber

I came to this through being given a recommendation for an article on Janet Lansbury's blog, and after exploring the site further and becoming quite captivated by this video in which a baby demonstrates amazing persistence and concentration in reaching for a toy without adult assistance, I decided to find out more about the "RIE" philosophy that was being illustrated.

The book is a (ghost-written) summary of the teachings of Magda Gerber, who brought the ideas of the Hungarian paediatrician Emmi Pikler to the US & founded "Resources for Infant Educarers" to demonstrate and spread these ideas. She advocates an approach to childcare based on respect, listing her basic principles as:

• Basic trust in the child to be an initiator, an explorer, and a self-learner
• An environment for the child that is physically safe, cognitively challenging, and emotionally nurturing
• Time for uninterrupted play
• Freedom to explore and interact with other infants
• Involvement of the child in all care-giving activities to allow that child to become an active participant rather than a passive recipient
• Sensitive observation of the child in order to understand her needs
• Consistency and clearly defined limits and expectations to develop discipline

Much of what is described here makes a lot of sense - I can see how the more "hands-off" approach to children playing (described here as "absence of interference") could support the growth of independence and confidence, and I have already been seeing positive results with my own toddler from trying to "help" her less when she is playing (e.g. when she asked me to make a person out of playdough as she didn't think she could, I handed it back to her and she did eventually make one herself and seemed pleased with the results). I'm sure I could also benefit from reducing the number of over-engineered plastic toys in my home and replacing them with a few simpler, open-ended objects. I also agree with the emphasis on calm observation and honest communication rather than overstimulation and distraction - a comment on "invasive" tickling bringing on "hysterical" laughter struck a particular chord with me as I've never felt entirely comfortable with this as a distraction technique.

Some of the ideas presented here don't sit quite so comfortably with me, however. For example, Gerber is not keen on supporting infants in positions they couldn't get into themselves. I'm not sure how much of this was learned in response to my actions, but my daughter was insistent on being held in an upright, outward-facing position as a baby, and I wouldn't have wanted to deny her this. Gerber also rejects anything that restrains infants; I enjoyed using a sling with my daughter and hope to again with my son, and I would have trouble giving up the idea of that closeness. Similarly, she advocates feeding on your lap and moving onto using a small chair and table rather than a highchair for meals - I can see the logic of this based on her philosophy, but I can't imagine giving up the convenience of a highchair or the social time of sitting at an adult table together. Most significantly, although I can see theoretical benefits in terms of building independence and the ability to self-soothe, I can't entirely accept her recommendations on allowing infants to cry, particularly in terms of following the "Ferber method" at bedtime.

I did find her views on not stepping in too early to try to resolve disputes between toddlers very interesting, though - she says, "I believe in letting children struggle over a toy as long as neither one gets hurt or hasn't reached a point where he is past his limit of coping with the situation." I can see how this might lead to more genuine learning about social interaction, problem solving, and co-operation, but it also seems like a tricky strategy to implement, particularly in the context of adult social expectations that parents are responsible for their children's actions and should enforce "fair play"! I'm quite ambivalent about her views on "teaching" toddlers - she feels strongly that "learning academic skills should be saved for school-age children" and although I can see her point that pushing a reluctant child could quash their innate love of learning, and I do feel uncomfortable with pressure such as repeatedly correcting toddlers' speech, I think that there is room for a middle ground where a child's own enthusiasm could help them to acquire skills that may smooth their future path in life...

Overall, this book has given me plenty of food for thought and I think that it will have an influence on the way I parent in future. I don't feel able to adopt her philosophy wholesale, as I still expect to do more carrying and comforting than she would endorse, but I will certainly be on the lookout for ways to back off a little during "play" times and during social interactions.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk - Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

I enjoyed this book on parent-child communication more than I expected to - despite its rather simplistic presentation style, with lots of cartoons and "exercises" full of leading questions, I felt as though I learned quite a lot from it (particularly the sections on acknowledging children's feelings, building autonomy, and giving praise using description rather than evaluation.) The aim of the book is to present patterns of communication which represent "the most respectful, effective ways to deal with the endless challenges presented by children" and I was sufficiently impressed to want to capture the gist of it here (this is mainly based on the 'reminder' sections within each chapter).

Helping children deal with their feelings:

• Listen quietly and attentively
  
• Acknowledge their feelings with a word ("Oh... mmm... I see...")
  
• Give the feeling a name ("That sounds frustrating!")
  
• Grant the wish in fantasy ("I wish I could..." - use exaggeration and humour, even write it down)
  
• All feelings can be accepted; certain *actions* must be limited. (E.g. anger acceptable, hitting not...) Sometimes a physical outlet or an opportunity to "draw their feelings" may help them calm down to the point where they can talk.
  

Engaging cooperation:

• Describe what you see ("There's a wet towel on the bed")
  
• Give information ("The towel is getting my blanket wet")
  
• Say it with a word ("The towel!")
  
• Describe what you feel ("I don't like sleeping in a wet bed!")
  
• Write a note (e.g. a reminder above the towel rail)
  

Alternatives to punishment:

• Express your feelings strongly - without attacking character ("I'm furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!")
  
• State your expectations ("I expect my tools to be returned after they've been borrowed")
  
• Show the child how to make amends ("What this saw needs now is steel wool and elbow grease"
  
• Give the child a choice ("You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide.")
  
• Take action (lock the tool box!)
  
• Problem solve (talk about the child's feelings and needs, and yours; brainstorm together; write down ALL ideas; work together to eliminate ideas you don't like and decide on a plan to follow through on)
  

Encouraging autonomy ("encourage your child's sense of herself as a separate, competent, self-reliant person ... is there anything you've been doing for your child that they might start doing for him or herself?"):

• Let children make choices (e.g. about clothes & food)
  
• Show respect for a child's struggle ("It can be hard to ... Sometimes it helps if...")
  
• Don't ask too many questions ("Glad to see you. Welcome home.")
  
• Don't rush to answer questions ("That's an interesting question - what do you think?")
  
• Encourage children to use sources outside the home ("Maybe xxx would have a suggestion")
  
• Don't take away hope ("That should be an experience" - even if it's tempting to try to set more "realistic" expectations)
  
• Also:
  • Let her own her own body (refrain from continual touching / invasion of physical privacy)
    
  • Stay out of the minutiae of a child's life (don't nag on trivia)
    
  • Don't talk about a child in front of them (they're not your possession)
    
  • Let a child answer for himself (redirect 3rd-party questions)
    
  • Show respect for their eventual "readiness" (don't force, urge or embarrass, just express confidence that "when you're ready"/"one of these days"/"when you decide to" it will happen)
    
  • Watch out for too many "No"s (try alternatives, such as "we're about to...", "if it were up to you...", "I'd like to help, but...", "we can do that later", "let me think about it")
    

Praise: (describe, don't evaluate!)

• Describe what you see ("I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf")
  
• Describe what you feel ("It's a pleasure to walk into this room!" but note that "You must be so proud of yourself!" is better than "I'm so proud of you!"...)
  
• Sum up the praiseworthy behaviour with a word ("You did ... Now that's what I call ...")
  

Freeing children from playing roles:

• Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself (comment on behaviour that goes against the role)
  
• Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently (give them opportunities to act against the role)
  
• Let children overhear you say something positive about them
  
• Model the behaviour you'd like to see
  
• Be a storehouse for your child's special moments ("I remember the time you...")
  
• When the child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations. ("I don't like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you")
  

The Good Behaviour Book - William & Martha Sears

One of the selection of 'hippie parenting books' that I'm currently reading in order to get the other side of the picture after reading Toddler Taming, this came across as a mostly-sensible guide to encouraging good behaviour without harsh punishments. I was interested by my own reaction to discovering that the authors have eight children - they mentioned this a couple of chapters in and I noticed that from that point on, I found it harder to take them seriously... even more intriguingly, this fact is presented as a positive (evidence of their experience) on the book's marketing blurb, indicating that other people (particularly Americans?) don't share my view on this! Another amusing Americanism is the inclusion of a lengthy discussion on whether there is biblical authority for smacking in their list of reasons not to hit your child ("In our opinion, nowhere in the Bible does it say you must smack your child to be a godly parent").

The authors define discipline as "what you do to encourage good behaviour" rather than emphasizing negative, punitive approaches, which seems like a good approach to me. They do discuss correction techniques, suggesting shaping a child's behaviour "through the use of praise, selective ignoring, and time-outs; through teaching an understanding of consequences; through the use of motivators, reminders, and negotiation; and through the removal of privileges". However, traditional 'punishments' tend to be given a positive spin: time out is used as 'thinking time' or 'quiet time' to help the child reflect and calm down, and surrounded by 'time in' where the child gets plenty of attention. The basic principles of discipline are listed as:

• Get connected early
• Know your child
• Help your child to respect authority
• Set limits, provide structure
• Expect obedience
• Model discipline
• Nurture your child's self-confidence
• Shape your child's behaviour
• Raise kids who care
• Talk and listen
  

The main emphasis of the book is on practising the "attachment parenting" style that the Searses advocate in order to build a sensitive, trusting relationship with a connected, secure child. In this way they claim that the need for corrective disciplining techniques later on will be significantly reduced. Their key instructions for attachment parenting are listed as: Respond to your baby's cries, Breastfeed your baby, Wear your baby, Play with your baby, Share sleep with your baby, and Become a facilitator (i.e. available and supportive but not controlling or smothering). I find the idea of sharing sleep a step too far, but (to some extent at least) I agree with and try to implement each of the other points on this list, and I do agree with their general emphasis on "parenting to sleep".

A few points that stood out for me as useful suggestions were: toddlers often behave better in an ordered environment (clearing clutter and keeping toys separated on shelves rather than muddled in boxes may help); give notice to allow gradual transitions (don't just pick up a child and leave, give them time to say goodbye to the toys etc, or incorporate slowing down and stopping into the game they are playing); involve the child in dealing with consequences (cleaning up mess, fixing broken toys etc); make eye contact, then use one simple sentence to make a positive point ("we walk indoors" rather than "don't run"), offer a motive ("get dressed so you can go outside and play") or give an alternative ("we don't touch that, but you can play with this"); write notes rather than nag older children & teens. A few of the points on ways of speaking make sense but don't come naturally to me: using the inclusive "we ..." rather than saying "no"; praising by acknowledging specifics rather than saying "good girl" or gushing over expected behaviour; and (depending on developmental level!) either breaking down tasks into small, specific, steps, or leaving space for the child to fill in the blanks or work out their own solution. I'm going to find it particularly challenging to implement their advice to foster healthy body image by using "correct" names for private parts...

I found it helpful - if worrying! - to get some warning that "the time between the ages of fourteen and eighteen months is very hard for mothers. The high-energy toddler wants to do everything, but he still needs mother involved 'big time'" - I'm hoping that the promise of being able to ease off at eighteen months helps me through this period...

The Film Club - David Gilmour

A slight but interesting account of an unusual experiment - the author allowed his teenage son to drop out of school and continue living with him rent-free, on only two conditions: no drugs, and participation in the "film club" where father and son watched and discussed three films a week together. The concept is interesting - by working with the boy's interests the father managed to create opportunities to connect, and (either by luck or judgement) the son did end up going on to college. The book is also very readable and works as a family memoir, a reflection on parenting teens, and also a brief education on filmmaking... I enjoyed the dad's enthusiastic descriptions of scenes from films he loved, but also the son's casual dismissals, such as his observation that Breakfast at Tiffany's is "a peculiar movie ... It's about a pair of prostitutes. But the movie itself doesn't seem to know that. It seems to think it's about something sort of sweet and nutty."

The Seven Stages of Motherhood - Ann Pleshette Murphy

Subtitled "Making the most of your life as a mum", or more punchily in the original US version "Loving your life without losing your mind", this book focuses on the importance of focusing on the mother's development and needs, both for her own sake and to enable her to provide the best parenting she can. The experience of motherhood is described as being "as much about autonomy, independence, and self-actualization as it is about connectedness, dependence, and self-sacrifice. It's about taking risks and lashing ourselves to traditions, tolerating lightening-speed changes and mind-numbing boredom, juggling the practical along with the ineffable, and learning how to push through when life is so full of pain or bliss it hurts to breathe." There's also a healthy emphasis on the unrealistic expectations many women experience as they try to "do it all", believing - wrongly! - that if only they were a little more organised they could fulfil many roles perfectly without making any compromises.

I found the book interesting - there was plenty of good anecdotal material in it, and it did make me reflect on my own experiences so far - but (perhaps because I'm only just entering her third stage?) I didn't really absorb the differences between each of her 7 stages or understand what point she was trying to make by distinguishing between them. I agreed with the basic premise that motherhood involves massive identity changes, not just initially but on an ongoing basis, but as she says in her conclusion, "we revisit key issues ... at every stage of our development: how to balance work and family; when to coddle, when to let go; how to trust your gut; nurture your marriage; get a grip on your anxiety; set limits; tolerate intense feelings of love and anger."

The story that made most impact on me was a quote from a book called Nature's Thumbprint, which illustrates her basic point about the importance of examining your own attitudes and preconceptions as a mother. When a pair of identical twins were two and a half, their two adoptive mothers were asked about their eating habits - one complained that she was "at her wit's end" because the girl would only eat food with cinnamon on it, the other the other was delighted that her daughter would "eat anything" so long as she put cinnamon on it.

I was also particularly intrigued by the idea (taken from The Birth of a Mother) that towards the end of pregnancy, women's mental image of their baby tends to fade, to avoid disappointing comparisons between the real baby and the idealized imaginary one - and that the lack of an opportunity to do this adds to the difficulties faced by mothers whose babies are borm prematurely. I did experience this myself - at around 5 months I formed quite a strong image of a baby (which oddly, did turn out to match the one I eventually had!) but towards the end of the pregnancy, my husband and I both found it incredibly difficult to picture an actual baby at all.

Overall, I found this readable and reassuring but not in any way life-changing.

Toddler Taming - Dr Christopher Green

I'd heard a couple of people recommend this book, so when I was offered a free copy I picked it up. The book is written in a very down-to-earth, easy to follow style with some corny humour thrown in. Its common-sense approach comes across as a bit anti-intellectual in places which I found a bit offputting. The one I read was the 1992 edition, and I'm curious to know how much it has changed since, in particular whether some of the smacking-related advice I found objectionable has been toned down in the most recent version...

Some of Dr Green's core messages are very easy to agree with, such as his list of key points that children need to be happy & secure: love, consistency, a tension-free environment, a good example, reasonable expectations (i.e. most of the problems people complain about are very common among toddlers), fun and enjoyment, & confident parenting. He sensibly advocates trying to see life from a toddler's point of view, saying that their difficult behaviour tends to be caused by attention seeking, jealousy and competition, frustration (as their bodies cannot keep up with their brains), fear of separation, reaction to illness, tiredness or emotional upset, unreal parental expectations (toddlers don't have much sense yet and don't share adult values, and this needs to be understood and accepted until they are more mature), or parents bringing on trouble by dramatising an unimportant incident.

His description of "what really matters" when it comes to discipline is also pretty persuasive: love, consistency, staying calm and in control, communicating convincingly (stating what will happen rather than offering maybes and wiggle-room), avoiding trouble, boosting the best & underplaying undesirable behaviour, using common sense and cunning (e.g. offering a diversion rather than picking a fight), having sensible expectations, using safety valves (time apart or outside), remembering to be committed to providing a positive environment, & keeping a sense of humour. However, we part company a little when it comes to some of the details of how this should be implemented. Much of what he says on smacking is actually pretty sensible, and I can see that there might be value in a physical deterrent in extremely dangerous situations, but it made me feel uncomfortable that he includes smacking in his lists of steps for managing several difficult behaviours, even advocating a "light, symbolic smack" for a child who repeatedly comes to the parents' bed in the night... A lot of the more general discipline section is devoted to the "Time Out" technique, which I can't really comment on as I haven't tried using it - I'd hope to only have to attempt something like this as a last resort though. His approach to tantrums can be briefly summarised as: stay calm, try a diversion, try ignoring the behaviour, use a Time Out if needed, then forgive quickly and move on. He does acknowledge that this is going to be easier to implement at home than when out shopping!

The section on sleep in this book also didn't sit well with me, as it focused on the controlled crying technique (which I was surprised that he described as "his", I've always heard it associated with Dr Richard Ferber before). I don't want to judge this too harshly from my fortunate position of never having had to use it, but I don't like the idea of it and my gut feeling is to reject Dr Green's belief that "the more readily available the comfort at night, the worse the sleep pattern of the child" as a potentially damaging oversimplification - I do believe that it's possible to be too responsive, but I feel that being under-responsive could be far worse for the child.

Although I'm not at that stage yet, the section on toilet training seemed sensible ("don't start too early, don't force the child, and just take your time") and provided some useful rebuttals to use to the "my-children-were-out-of-nappies-by-this-age" brigade - he distinguishes between "toilet timing" where the child is placed on the potty to coincide with their regular movements, and true toilet training, which can only be achieved when the child's body and brain have matured sufficiently for them to sense, understand, and anticipate their bodily functions.

I was totally in agreement with Dr Green's advice on mealtimes, as he emphasizes making eating fun, not creating conflict over how much or what the child is eating so long as it is reasonably nutritious, and never force-feeding. "Within reason, try to give them what they want, where they want it, and when they are hungry." He also attempts to allay parental anxiety about children who won't eat by pointing out that hunger strikers can take about 68 days to die...

I did take away some useful messages from this book - in addition to the emphasis on calmness and consistency, it was useful to be reminded that toddlers just don't have the self-control to be responsible for their own behaviour in the face of temptation, and that toddler-proofing the environment and avoiding known conflict-triggers can save a lot of stress. A couple of points that made me laugh out loud relate to comparing the public behaviour of children: what you see in public places "is modified by a form of natural selection", so if your child is embarrassing you, remember the crowds of worse-behaved children whose parents are too scared to take them shopping. On a similar note, he also recommends "the therapeutic powers of MacDonald's restaurants", where "you just have to walk in the door and immediately you know that there are other children even worse-behaved than your own". These flippant points act as reminders of one of his most useful themes, that of reasonable expectations, remembering that "normal" toddler behaviour is not perfect and not making a big drama out of "non-problems".

On the whole, an interesting & very readable book with some useful content, although not one with which I could totally agree. If anything, it has inspired me to look around for one from the attachment parenting end of the spectrum, with the intention of trying to take the best points from both...

Nurture Shock - Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman

The subtitle of this book - "Why everything we think about raising our children is wrong" - inevitably exaggerates, but it does contain some genuinely surprising and intriguing findings. The chapter headings give a flavour, & I've added a few notes of things I found memorable or worth trying to implement:

• "The inverse power of praise" - experiments showing how calling children 'clever' makes them protective of their intelligent identity and less willing to risk failure; children should be taught that the brain is like a muscle that expands when stretched, and praise should focus on effort or specific positive actions.


• "The lost hour" - children now sleep an average of one hour less than 30 yrs ago; sleep is not just about rest for children, but crucial for learning, the processing of pleasant (as opposed to negative) memories, and the regulation of appetite etc.


• "Why white parents don't talk about race" - passive immersion in a multicultural environment is not enough to prevent racism, since children naturally classify on the basis of visible features; parents are scared of broaching the subject but do need to be explicit about their attitudes if they want to pass them on.


• "Why kids lie" - most children lie frequently and it's hard to tell when; they can't distinguish between a mistake and a lie so parents seem to be modelling lying when they make a sincere promise that they later can't keep; lying is often intended to please the audience so the most effective strategy for preventing it is teaching that the truth is always valued even if it's not the answer they wanted.


• "The search for intelligent life in kindergarten" - screening children for 'gifted' programmes in kindergarten is useless because their brains haven't yet finished developing; there's even some evidence to suggest that exceptional intelligence may be associated with slow brain maturation.


• "The sibling effect" - the best predictor of how siblings get along is the older child's existing friendships; social skills are learned outside the home and transferred back rather than the other way around. To improve sibling relationships, emphasise learning to have fun together, rather than conflict reduction.


• "The science of teen rebellion" - risk-taking and deception are ubiquitous in teenagers - the thrill-seeking behaviour is almost inevitable since their brains respond like addicts', only reacting positively to extreme rewards, and they are terrified of social embarrassment but have little fear of physical danger; permissive parenting doesn't appear to reduce lying; parents find arguments stressful, but for teenagers, trying to negotiate is a mark of respect since the alternative is to disrespect the parent by sneaking out and doing it anyway, so listening and making some concessions is a way to keep the dialogue open.


• "Can self-control be taught?" - a very positive description of a kindergarten programme called 'Tools of the Mind' which appears to help children develop 'executive function' skills such as planning and concentration. The children make up 'play plans' which they stick to during extended role plays, take turns telling each other stories, learn to assess the quality of their own work by checking each other's, and play games involving restraint, such as Simon Says.


• "Plays well with others" - perhaps the chapter that came closest to living up to the subtitle: educational TV leads to 'relational aggression' (because children are just as likely to learn from the extended 'bad situation' setup as from the brief reconciliation at the end that is intended to be the lesson of the show!); if an argument breaks out in front of the children, don't leave the room to spare their feelings, because it's important that they see the peaceful resolution; smacking appears to actually do less harm in families where it is used regularly, because it is normalised, whereas the occasional smackers do it angrily, conveying the message that the child has behaved so badly that they are outside of the normal rules; aggressive behaviour can be part of a toolkit used by a socially competent child; 'progressive' dads may be inconsistent and permissive, leading their children to be more aggressive than those of 'traditional' parents.


• "Why Hannah talks and Alyssa doesn't" - this one made me laugh: general TV watching doesn't impair speech development, but Baby Einstein DVDs do... the multilingual soundtracks intended to encourage language acquisistion actually delay it because they are not synched with a human face, and so babies can't process the noise as speech (babies use lip-reading to detect word boundaries). It also appears that the most important factors in encouraging a child to speak are to respond quickly to their babbling, and always to ensure that the word being taught corresponds to the focus of the child's attention (for example by wiggling it as you say the name).

Baby-led Weaning - Gill Rapley & Tracey Murkett

Rather militant exposition of the self-feeding approach to weaning, emphasising the importance of allowing the baby to be in control of the process by using finger foods and tolerating mess, and including babies in family mealtimes eating the same food as everyone else. Helpful in places, with some good lists of suitable finger foods and useful information on nutrition etc. and worth it if only for the photos of babies tucking into the most unlikely foods, but a bit extreme in the way it portrays spoon-feeding as tantamount to cruelty, and arguably not the most efficient way to increase the calorie intake of a baby that is starting to lose weight & sleep less well...

The Baby In The Mirror (a child's world from birth to three) - Charles Fernyhough

This was one of those frustrating reading experiences where an interesting book held my attention throughout, but I forgot most of it as soon as I put it down. I enjoyed the author's attempts to describe life from his infant daughter's point of view (laughing out loud at her initial recognition that her world is populated by two main characters, "a tall person, whose clothes open at the front at mealtimes, and an even taller one, who has no such talent"). A few random pieces of information about babies' cognitive development that have stuck with me are:

• Newborns emerge with a kind of synesthesia, taking a while for the senses to become differentiated (for example, in a study where infants were shown clearly different visual stimuli, there was no difference in the reactions of the visual cortex, but olfactory, auditory and even motor control areas showed differences) - "The smell of her shawl might be a dim flash of light to her. The daylight beyond her eyelids might reach her as a faint hum. She is tasting in colour, smelling in sound. Compared to that, dreaming seems positively mundane."
• Babies are born able to perceive a distinction between things that move like people and things that don't.
• Fat in the diet is massively important in the first few months because it's being used to produce the myelin sheaths that coat nerve cells in the brain and improve communication between them.
• Private speech (i.e. talking to yourself) is extremely positive for problem solving and learning and should not be discouraged.

How Not to F*** Them Up - Oliver James

Quite an easy read from a psychologist with a largely psychoanalytic approach presenting his opinions on caring for under-threes - his main assertion being the importance of a consistent, calm, responsive and tuned-in carer. I found this quite useful as it helped me to clarify my thinking around my gut feeling that I didn't like the idea of a nursery at a young age but wouldn't mind one-to-one care from a relative. I also liked the discussion of the loss of status associated with taking on the traditional "housewife" role and the importance of explicitly thinking this through and doing household chores without resentment by making it a conscious choice to do them in order to create a positive home for your baby. The most interesting idea that was new to me was his emphasis on the importance of cultivating the belief that abilities and behaviours are malleable rather than genetically determined, quoting studies showing that bad behaviour, academic underperformance, and mental illness are all more likely to "stick" if carers and children believe that they cannot be changed.