“Playful Parenting” is
described in this book as “a way of
filling children’s needs for attachment, love, security, confidence, and
closeness”. Cohen argues that since children’s play serves three purposes –
building confidence through trying on adult roles, providing opportunities for closeness,
and aiding recovery from emotional distress – parenting in a playful way, even
in challenging situations, is the best way to assist with these processes. He asserts that children’s difficult
behaviour typically stems from feelings of either isolation or powerlessness,
and that it makes more sense to address the root of the problem (by playing
with these themes while providing affection, secure loving connections, and
attention) than to attempt to change behaviour through punitive discipline. Cohen notes that the times that we feel least
like playing are when we don’t feel a strong connection with our children, or
their play is ‘stuck’, aggressive, repetitive or boring, or our families are
experiencing stressful transitions – all times that our playful input is most
strongly required. His approach to play
asks us to make a conscious effort to “follow
the giggles, build connections, foster self-confidence, and try to love the
games we used to hate”, taking time to play and being willing to set aside
adult ideas of dignity and act the clown if required (since “it takes a village idiot to raise a child”).
The chapter on
‘roughhousing’ initially made the biggest impression on me, as it was furthest
removed from my previous idea of myself as a parent. After reading Cohen’s account of the benefits
of active physical play, I was convinced that I needed to give it a go. He describes play fighting as a way to
practise restraint and control as well as aggression, and as a tool for
building confidence and assertiveness in less physically active children. He also states that children learn to
self-soothe through the close contact that this kind of play involves and the
opportunities it provides to practise settling down afterwards, and that this
can also help improve children’s focus and concentration. He provides the following ground rules for
getting started with wrestling with your child:
- Provide basic safety (e.g. ground rules such as pushing not hitting)
- Find every opportunity for connection (lots of cuddle breaks, eye contact)
- Look for opportunities to increase their confidence and sense of power
- Play through old hurts (“it must remind the child of the initial incident, but not so much that she is paralyzed with fear or powerlessness”)
- Provide the right level of resistance (this might mean humorously not noticing when the child has escaped…)
- Pay close attention (look for good signs: giggling or exertion)
- (Usually) let the child win
- Stop when someone is hurt (or take a break, regroup and continue)
- No tickling allowed (holding them down makes them feel out of control)
- Don’t let your own feelings get in the way (exaggerate them comically)
I was also very
interested in Cohen’s ideas on discipline, which he is careful to define as “the teaching of our values and principles”. He advocates approaching discipline through
closeness, playfulness and emotional understanding. His first suggestion is to take a break to
calm down, perhaps by phoning someone, before responding to a challenging
situation (this has worked well for me).
He then recommends focusing on connecting with the child, in the belief
that punishments increase children’s sense of isolation and powerlessness, whereas
re-establishing a connection can repair underlying problems. A ‘meeting on the couch’ to reconnect is
presented as a positive alternative to a ‘time-out’, since “when discipline is presented to children as
a joint problem requiring a joint solution, things go much better”. Unsurprisingly, play is a major theme in
Cohen’s approach to discipline: playing with the issues causing conflict, such
as making silly rules and pretending to break them; using a playful tone; making
mock threats and ‘acting’ upset; and recognizing when bad behaviour is a form
of social ‘experiment’. Cohen’s opinion
is that “parents avoid playfulness in
difficult parenting situations because they are afraid of rewarding bad
behaviour… but being playful is not about rewards or punishments, it is about
restoring the missing ingredient – connection – that caused the problems in the
first place”. Rather than applying
techniques to create obedience in specific situations, he thinks we should be
aiming to instil good judgement, by brainstorming handling situations, discussing
moral dilemmas, discussing feelings – ours and theirs – after a conflict, modelling
our values, and fostering cognitive organization through providing a quiet cosy
place to calm down, a structured schedule, creative projects, and safe physical
play. He emphasizes the need to look
under the surface, at the child’s feelings and needs, by viewing challenging
behaviour as a coded message and trying to respond positively to that. (This
one has also worked for me, e.g. responding to a push with “I missed you too
& I’d love to have a big cuddle”.) We
are also reminded to use our knowledge of our child and accept – or at least
manage, or try to prevent, rather than punish – behaviour that is normal for
their developmental stage or temperament.
Finally (in case all of this is sounding too ‘soft’) he concludes that “children need limits, guidance and
structure… applied lovingly and in a relaxed manner, not in anger or revenge”,
urging parents never to give in against our better judgement or because of fear
of an emotional reaction, but instead to set a limit calmly and then stay
engaged, listening to their feelings and accepting tears if they come.
There is also some
useful material on sibling relationships.
Cohen states that “at the heart of
sibling rivalry is a set of profound and universal questions: Am I loved?
Truly, absolutely loved? Am I wanted? Am I special? Am I powerful? Will my
parents stop loving me if they start to love that other kid? Can I make the
world bend to my will? Why can’t I do what I see that person doing? Why can’t I
get what I see that person getting?”
He recommends experimenting with some or all of the following options to
smooth sibling conflicts: offer a solution; give encouragement and inspire
their confidence (support them while they figure it out); flood (both) children
with love and affection (e.g. a mum who said she’d fill up the older siblings
with love, kissing them from toes to head, then cracking a ‘love egg’ on their
heads); protect (intervene when needed, and teach children that “they have the right to be safe, others have
the right to be safe with them, there is nothing so terrible that you can’t
tell someone about it, and you can keep searching until someone listens”);
provide perspective (calmly listen and reflect back); promote win-win outcomes;
be playful (try a comic commentary?); and give up the search for perfect
equality (acknowledging when things are not fair).
There are some
specific suggestions in this book that I’d like to spend more time exploring,
particularly those around playing out difficult situations to let children
practice gaining control over their impulses (“Let’s play getting dressed and
ready”) and using play “to recover from a
traumatic incident, large or small”, often using role reversal – “the purpose is to go through the incident
again, but this time letting the scary feelings out – usually through giggles.
That’s why a child likes to play this kind of game over and over and over.” The observations on communication are also
convincing, for example the suggestion to tell children a story from your day
(which they may respond to) rather than bombarding them with questions about
theirs, and to honour the way they choose to communicate by paying attention
when they talk about “unimportant” things or repeat themselves. There are lots of play ideas for specific
purposes too, such as for self-soothing (teaching three long breaths, with
emphasis on the exhale, and encouraging games of soothing and comforting dolls),
self-regulation (calling out frequent, rapid directions while children run,
jump or dance), and motor planning / sequencing (obstacle courses &
treasure hunts). On the subject of
connection building, one story struck me as particularly moving: when the
author’s daughter was two, she used to ignore her mother when she came home
after working a night shift, at one point even refusing to admit that it was
mummy and not daddy who was holding her.
They turned the question of “who is that holding you?” into a family
ritual, which always led to cuddles and closeness, but often with extremes of
tears and giggling along the way.
I first read this book
when my daughter was an impeccably behaved toddling only child, and found it only
mildly interesting – I liked some of the ideas but was a little irritated by
some of the self-conscious attempts to create new terminology (“PlayTime” for
dedicated child-led playtime, “filling their cup” for meeting attachment needs,
and the “towers” of isolation and powerlessness). After re-reading it while she’s a more challenging
three year old with a sometimes-turbulent relationship with her little brother,
I became somewhat obsessed by it. In the
few weeks that followed I found that playful parenting – joining in with
children’s play enthusiastically, retaining a sense of humour about your role
as a parent, and looking for a playful response to difficult situations – can indeed
make a huge positive difference to family life.
Since then, as the energy and momentum of my initial enthusiasm have
faded, I have also been struck by how true the observations in the final
chapter are: that when parents are feeling tired and isolated ourselves we will
struggle to maintain the open and playful attitude needed to make this approach
work, and that we first need to apply the same principles to ourselves and how
we deal with our own feelings, in particular by talking openly about our
experiences of parenting.
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